newhope01

Sorry for the long post:


I think I am beginning to understand what some of the reasons were for my compulsive drinking.

Obviously depression was a major factor and I think this is/was a major factor for many others who have battled addiction. But what I think I had the hardest time coping with was the need to belong.

For some reason, I was not very well-liked in my family. I think when I was a child, this had a devastating impact on me that I never dealt with and instead just internalized which I then later self-medicated with alcohol.

This is how I developed my low self-esteem and lack of confidence. Growing up I was often told I was worthless or a burden. My paternal grandmother often told me that when I was born it ruined my father's chances of getting free from my mother as he had to raise yet another unplanned pregnancy. My mother often told me she wished I was never born and told me I was stupid. She heavily beat me and my brothers. I was physically punished for wetting the bed among other various ridiculous reasons.

But as bad as the childhood emotional and physical abuse was, it wasn't nearly as bad as the neglect and constant solitude. I was so incredibly lonely growing up often left alone all day or night as my mother "recovered" from her meth binges. I remember being so hungry and crying because I couldn't figure out how to open a soda. I remember struggling to turn on the tv because I was lonely. Or worse yet, forced to stay in her dark bedroom with her for hours as she slept off her last binge.

My mother use to take my two brothers to school and leave me alone until later in the afternoon. I would wake up and eat my brother's left over cereal in the morning. Than I would play by myself and later my kitty.

The landlord came by once and I was so excited to talk to someone I let him in the house. I had no idea who he was and just sat on the floor chatting with him until my mother came home. I got slapped for that but honestly I didn't know any better. I was just happy to talk to someone. I think she was more upset having to talk to the landlord about why we haven't paid rent and was scolded for leaving a child unattended.

My parents eventually got separated for a brief period where I was then psychologically tortured by my babysitter who forced my brother to physically abuse me while she went out gambling. I am not going to go into details because I can't.

And it never changed. However, the older I got the better it got because I had outlets. I had school to go to where I met other children my own age and had normal social interactions. I loved my teachers which was to be expected because they were nice older women. Mother figures I seriously lacked.

But, my family never really liked me much and for some reason that never changed. I think for my brothers it was little bit because of misogyny that developed as a result of being raised by a horrible woman. My paternal grandmother felt I was the final nail in the coffin for my father. I assume it must be hard as a mother to accept that your child married an addict because they too were an addict. It must be painful to understand your child ruined their own life using drugs rather than the children that "trapped" him in a chaotic marriage.

My aunt was always the elusive one that I could never understand or explain. But, I've given up on that relationship now. I've given up on all of them.

Flash forward 30 years and I am finally telling people, "no." No, I don't need our "relationship." I don't need that kind of "attention" anymore. I would rather be alone than be with you. And although there is some relief, it is also incredibly lonely. I am in my third trimester and about two weeks away from my due date and I feel so isolated this holiday season.

This is the first Christmas where I have nowhere to go and I am not okay with it. I envy women who have family that are excited about the upcoming new addition to the family. This is the first niece/grandchild in my family and no one wants to spoil her? If it was one of my brother's who were having a child it would be entirely different.

I am super sensitive about this because it reminds me of my own childhood. No one cared about me. No one seemed to like me much. I don't want that for her. I don't want her watching tv all day all alone eating whatever scraps she finds around the house. Her only companionship is with a cat. Her being beat or abused. I want people to want her like I wanted to be wanted.

There was a time in my life when I would have just drank through this without even realizing what issues I was trying to drown. When I realized this I thought I come here to vent or share my little epiphany.

If I never got sober for as long as I have been I would not have been able to see this clearly and would have continued to muddle through my life drunk and lost. It sucks but it would suck a whole lot more if I was drunk much like the rest of my family is right now.