I've just had a bit of a moment...a realisation of sorts. During the recovery meeting I was talking about how I have been avoiding watching sad films or programmes on TV (wether it be happy sad or sad sad). I realised I am terrified of crying and are doing anything I can to avoid it. I can't even watch nature programmes on NatGeo incase there is some baby animal being chased and getting eaten as that would make me cry and I can't take it.
The realisation is that I am denying an emotion and avoiding having to feel it. Nothing good can come of this and if I don't allow it to happen and feel it I will start to slide. The fact that I am trying to push down this emotion means I am already starting to slide. One thing the counsellor in rehab had me do was watch the pixar movie "Inside Out". It was a film for kids but the premis being all emotions have value, you can't feel happieness without at some point feeling sadness, denying and blocking an emotion puts you off balance as each emotion serves a purpose.
Not sure why I am sharing this...but I feel like I have some real clarity and know that my default thinking is changing for the better. 6 months ago I wouldn't have had the knowledge or willingness to see so clearly and actually understand what is really going on in my head. xx