Originally Posted by
trailmix 
Hey surfbee, just wanted to say sorry about your great-uncle, I'm sure that was upsetting for you and hope you are doing ok.
So I have been thinking about this some more, as one does (because this dynamic interests me and because I care).
Thank you! I appreciate that you care T
please don't bow out!
I'm happy to clarify because I like to unravel thoughts here lol as you have seen in all my previous postings ! I do like to get it ALL out when I'm in the mood to talk here on SR.
Originally Posted by
trailmix You mention getting "triggered" and I guess that is the part that I find to be a stumbling block in this. If someone treats you badly, for lack of a better term, that's certainly a trigger but not one to be ignored perhaps.
Originally Posted by
trailmix Less than stellar treatment should not be glossed over, no amount of meditation or bolstering ourselves up or rushing over to our side of the street makes that ok and to ignore it, to gloss over it, is fraught with problems (just my opinion of course).
I
sometimes feel triggers (i.e I feel annoyed / irritated) when he's being annoyingly curt or irritable. I don't ignore it. I typically
react to his irritation.... in a dramatic disconnected way which doesn't ever serve me. Best scenario is when we both just relax, and therefore there is no issue - no big dramatic walk away to my flat moment. But when I choose to react .... I enter into a heavier mode which is the contrast I don't want.
Now, when I'm in this mode - I am very focused on what
isn't there... I am very focused on his
lack of support.
I don't see the good at those times. He'll bring me tea, or go fix something in the house and make dinner... but because 'he isn't talking to me about his emotions', i can take that as a 'he's so not supporting me' and so I'll feel heavier... and then 'I'll blame him for not being there'.... and yet, in his way, he's been trying to show me through actions that he cares. When in heavy mode, I'm disconnected from myself therefore less clarity. I do not to see the whole picture.
Sometimes I'm out of line, sometimes he is. He has a dry sense of humour and very funny so humour and curtness can get blurred. But he will apologise when he realises he's crossed line. And no he doesn't always take 3 days to apologise, mostly it's instant but the few occasions where we have had days apart - I see that we've both needed space to re-connect with ourselves... we've been through the mill so time to reconnect has been a blessing. I'm not meditating away his bad behaviour. I'm not on a cloud imagining that he's a perfect fluffy guy. I meditate for my work, clarity, my well being. It's like putting money in the bank.
Originally Posted by
trailmix but this relationship has huge challenges and over time that can wear on you.
I've decided to no longer view his drinking issue as a challenge - but more as as 'that's his hobby' ... let him enjoy it ! An interesting thing I've noticed btw is how much fun I was stopping myself from having because of feeling too worried about other peoples drinking.
Now I'm like - I want to have a drink sometimes and let my hair down ! The last time I was out, my boyfriend ended up being the sober one. That was a first !
Originally Posted by
trailmix For sure we ALL need space sometimes, to unwind, to regroup to get our thoughts together, that is really healthy behaviour in my book. But deciding to take several days vacation from a relationship (your BF) must take some toll on you?
But maybe not, I guess I'm asking? When you are sitting there alone instead of out say, having dinner or going to catch a movie with your SO, which you can't do because he is holed up drinking or isolating, is that good for you?
It has been very draining in the past. When I was trying to control him , it was very draining on me, but that was when I was in a needy disconnected place.
Meditating and yoga have become two of my essential self-care pillars.... and they've served me well for years. But over the last two years I didn't practice them (maybe there was a spiritual reason for that... ) ....as evidently I needed to learn what I know now about myself... and that is the full awareness of what the missing gap has been for the last 15 or so years long before my boyfriend came on the scene.... And that is - I am happier when I lean on myself... and I don't want to crave needy validation or support from my boyfriend.... I'd been disconnected from that truth for a long time. I want to ask for support from a place of respect for myself, not from a place of need, I'm feeling the full benefits of what yoga and meditation is bringing to me.... this clarity.
I love how you think and deconstruct a problem T ... you help me .... you helped me find my way. I told my family about you and others here when I was going through the emotional ringer all summer about how much you helped me here in this forum.... so I'm happy to get into the details.