I'm Back, Too
Hey... just so you know -- I'm in a similar boat.
I've been struggling for years with this nightmare. That's what it's like, too -- a nightmare. There are days when I literally open my eyes in the morning wishing I could just fall back asleep and never wake up. I'm so tired of it all.
I disappeared from this website almost a year ago. I figured it's stupid to be a part of something I'm not participating in anyway. Stopped going to AA about six months ago for similar reasons. And now I'm back exactly where I started, but worse.
I feel such overwhelming shame and self-loathing. It's sometimes unbearable.
So yeah -- I'm in the same boat as you.