Venting
Hi all. I've been lurking regularly and just needed to vent.
Life has been going well since divorcing xah. As most of you know, he never sought any recovery during our marriage, has court ordered supervised visitation for the kids, he has not seen or talked to them in a couple of years and it has been almost 4 years since I personally have spoken to him.
Anywho, life has been amazing. Kids are thriving. Work is going great. Personal life is awesome, most days my cheeks hurt from smiling so much. I've still been attending al-anon regularly, mostly because I truly enjoy the friendships I have cultivated over the years more than while I needed it while living in "active" crisis mode.
In the middle of the night I start receiving those all to familiar jail phone recordings from guess who?! That's right, xah. I looked online and found he had been arrested for a DWI. Obviously, I did not accept the calls but just from hearing him say his name on a recording sent me full on future tripping of why in the heck he would call me.
Initially, I was extremely angry. I tried to sort through my feelings (in the middle of the night of course) and recognized that I was more panicked than anything else. All of those "flight or fight" instincts I had when I was living with active addiction came flooding back. My main reoccurring feeling mostly was that of, "Great, what will I have to fight for now to protect the kids from his latest drama." I suppose all that to say was my feeling of even hearing his voice on a collect call from jail was a feeling of dread. Impending doom. Now I have to wait for the other shoe to drop type of thing. Extremely emotionally taxing to say the least ... and I never even talked to him!!
I am trying hard to stay in my own world, living in the moment and not let my mind wander too much. Definitely confirms how far I have come in my own recovery. Yet at the same time, how easy it would be to get sucked right back into his drama if I hadn't been no contact.
Thanks for letting me get it off my chest.