Thanks for all the support!! Its nice to know that others have made this journey already and found joy at the end.
I've seen the Doctor who was kind, patient and understanding. He told me that I am doing all the right things, asked me how much I drink (2 bottles of wine per night) and how I'd got here.
I explained a lot of things, my mother was an abusive alocholic (her mother was too) who would send soul destroying text messages to me (when she was drunk/had taken a months worth of diazapam in one day) over night to wake up to some mornings.
How after my first child was born my parents started to visit which caused friction between her and my wife and in anticipation of this, to reduce the anxiety, I'd have a few beers which gradually became a bottle of wine. When she died 7 years ago I stopped but realised I enjoyed the evening after a few glasses. Which eventually led to now. I told him I went to my first AA meeting yesterday also.
He prescribed me librium to take for a week, less and less each day. I've to eat a more nutritious diet, start exercising again (I used to run) and be more positive about things, which I tend not to be.
I feel like there is hope after all, because until yesterday I felt so trapped and controlled by drinking.
Later I plan to keep busy, I know I cant drink while taking librium and I dont want to but there is a habit to break as well as the addiction. I am a person who likes a routine and this will massively alter mine. I've a list of things I can do to keep me busy. Since I've had no energy from hangovers or just sitting drinking in the evenings over the last 5 years my house has gone from a lovely place to a sh*thole. Its untidy, dirty, piles of laundered clothes everywhere, kids toys everywhere. It needs decorated and replairs done too which I've been promising my wife I'd do for years now. Plenty to do.