Originally Posted by
trailmix 
I think your concerns are valid and I think the offer you are making for visitation seems fair.
This is why I was asking what has happened historically. She may well be confused if, historically, there were no limits put on access to your child after she attended rehab. Doesn't mean that's RIGHT just means that might be where the feeling that she shouldn't have any limits - is coming from.
Perhaps, but not necessarily. You know her well, of course, but what she WANTS and what she can get are not necessarily the same thing and I can imagine she may be thinking something along the lines of - haven't I been punished enough.
Not saying that is right or wrong, just a guess. Regardless, she may well come around to realizing that there are consequences here. I hope so for everyone's sake, it would make everyone's life easier at this point.
Trailmix - I understand what you mean better now. Yes, in the past there have been some consequences. After her last dwi 7 years ago, I made it a "condition" that she continue with an interlock device on her car.
Of course, this was purely voluntary -- there was no court order to back it up. And, after a while, she just stopped driving that car -- taking mine instead (which didn't have the interlock device on it). This was less than one year following the dwi. When I tried to put my foot down -- such as leaving for a week with the kids -- she would, literally, hold on to the children so that in order for me to take them with me, there would have to be a physical confrontation with her (or, if I had physical possession of a child, she'd jump on my back, etc. -- endangering the child). And we all know that if she (or the child) suffers a bruise or other injury from one of these events who is going to jail: ME.
Thus, in the past, I've been left with little or no ability to enforce our "private agreements" related to her drinking and driving, etc. And it just falls into the same old routine.
So, yes, this time I'm "changing the rules" or "upping the ante" -- I want something that is enforceable by the Court. Regardless of whether we're living apart or together (I know, I know, its strange that I'm even contemplating that).
And that may be surprising to her. Although, since her latest arrest, I've been consistent in saying "I want an order."
In the background of all this is my "reaction" to information from my oldest child, DD. As I mentioned, she "ran away" from home for a about 10 days after she turned 17 y.o. - triggered by mom's driving with DS.
I'm extremely lucky that DD has a good head on her shoulders, gets good grades at an academically rigorous high school, is seeing a therapist, has communicated with/confided in her high school counselors (who have been helpful and supportive to her) and her *close* friends about AW and her "home life."
While I have tried to be the stable parent and I think that helped DD somewhat, I truly believe that DD hasn't been MORE "screwed up" IS a matter of luck.
I mean I *could* do with DS what I did with DD, right?? And I could convince myself that DD came out "ok."
But, that's wrong. She didn't come out "ok." She's got some real issues with mom and, even, me. But DD and I have a much better relationship than DD has with AW and because of my talks with DD and trying to understand things through her eyes, I feel that I HAVE to do it differently with DS.
MCE Saint