jimmyJlover

Today I am 28 days sober.

It has been 4 weeks since I last drank any alcohol yet seems like a day ago. I wanted to write down the culminating problems, negatives, and depressing attributes which led to my decision of abstinence. The mind plays tricks and those wretched moments before quitting may have prematurely lapsed. This is the longest time frame alcohol free in 2 ½ years, the previous being 2 months, and before that was over 5 years ago lasting 90 days. Prior to I cannot recall any significant length of time being sober other than early on when I would go a week prior to heavy weekend binging, paving way to daily drinking since 2009. I have known I am an alcoholic, but never would concede I methodically could not control this. The last 2 years have been hell.

There have been a myriad of health “symptoms” leading to self-diagnosis, health anxiety, internet searches, and disease association all leading back to the deniable causative foundation of alcohol. Surely there must be another cause. I would rack my brain researching a plausible reason to continue on with normal activities of daily drinking if I could blame anything else. That said, I am 40 years old, so some complaints could be simply the normal aging process with a younger mindset of physical expectation. Or not taking care of myself in continuing the direct poisoning with alcohol, despite seeing the effects take hold. It was like a science experiment mentally documenting the ongoing changes, yet moving forward with the destruction, knowing the potential damage that can occur to the subject.

I do not need folks dancing around with statements such as, “only you can decide for yourself if you’re an alcoholic”, or “I cannot tell you what to do”. One thing I am sure of, I have a problem with alcohol. Things I am not sure of, how to treat this problem. I am here to ask those who have remained alcohol free, sober, clean, whatever terminology used…how did you do it?

It behooves me to think I would want to drink again after going through this last self-directed taper and withdrawal. I do not want to get into specifics of withdrawal symptoms, as I do believe they vastly differ from one person to another, and truly what works for some may not work for others. And yes, at times medical expertise is warranted. I will say, it was difficult yet as time progresses I tend to forget those dark depressing moments leading up to quitting. I start to think, I can do this again…

With ill reasoning, these are some of the symptoms of alcohol use I am mourning:
• Hypertension – resolved since quitting
• Periods of tachycardia – resolved since quitting
• Sweating and temperature intolerance – resolved since quitting
• Hangovers – resolved since quitting
• Waking up after only 2-3hrs sleeping with pounding chest, fluttering heart – resolved
• Shaking and anxiety in the middle of the night – resolved
• Daily obsession with when I “need” to drink again to stave off withdrawal – resolved
• Alcohol dependence – resolved
• Alcohol dependence as a crutch when planning anything – resolved
• Muscle cramps – resolved
• Vertigo – improved
• Panic attacks – improved
• Reflux – improved
• GI upset – improved

These are the benefits I am working on:
• Diet – improved
• Arthritic aches, paresthesia, and back pain – improved
• Sleep – drastically improved
• Mood – improved
• Relationships – improved
• Confidence – improved
• Depression – abating
• Sense of well-being – improved
• Future outlook – improved

Previously I was a competitive long distance runner and endurance athlete. No longer because of alcohol and back pain. But I still try to remain fit and active.

I became desperate with some of the previously mentioned symptoms and sought care with a primary provider, neurologist, and cardiologist, undergoing bountiful tests and exams proving to be normal. That alone was a relief. The take home was alcohol abstinence. I continue to work on health improvements with diet and exercise. I do not have any diagnosed health problems other than anxiety.

So why would anyone want to drink again, even with the base knowledge that time and time again the pattern repeats itself proving you WILL end up the same wreck of a person wishing you could quit again? I postulate it would be for self medicating purposes.

Change my mind if you will… What did you do? Interested to hear from folks who remain sober and have changed this pattern in their life.

Thank you