Broken
I am broken! I feel so guilty, please advise, encourage, correct, whatever it takes, this pain is overwhelming. Long story short, I met AH 10 years ago, he was active in AA, "sober", hopeful and all the good things we pray for in a partner. I knew NOTHING about alcoholism, blindly felt he's in AA, all will be well! 6 months later, we are living together, he relapsed and stayed that way for the past 8 years. During those 8 years I allowed myself to get sucked into all the chaos and destruction, believing all the promises, lived in denial, financially was the main supporter throughout multiple periods he was either employed or unemployed, married. Fast forward, he hasn't worked in over a year now, applying to great jobs, however unwilling to work at a "crap" job until this "great" job comes along. Four months ago, I freaked out one Sunday as he was drinking on the deck, poured out his beer, told him NO MORE OF ANY OF THIS BEHAVIOR, GET HELP OR GET OUT!! The next morning he apologized, and has once again has been attending AA and hasn't had a drink in 4 months. This has been a blessing and a curse, yesterday I told him I was moving out. I still love him and would even say I am in love with him, however am seeking "normal" out of him in regards to "normal" things, i.e., a job, willing to discuss things (if I mention ANYTHING about his past behaviors he starts with attitude and spouts I have resentments and am unwilling change), I have and am going to Alanon.I see the good and bad in my situation, just terribly confused. I know I need to step away and breathe, but I feel so guilty for up and leaving, he has nothing, no money, no job, no place to go comfortably, he is 57. I feel so very, very guilty, it is crushing. I like to think he will stay sober this go around, and that I am crazy for leaving him now, when the reality is I should have left years ago! I also realize 4 months of sobriety is JUST the start, time will tell, I am terrified of a repeat of relapse, know I could stick it out, but afraid I will be a total MESS should he relapse again. This is no way to live! I ask myself if the financial stuff is that important, the enabler in me says NO, the person seeking "normal" says YES! The longing to not have to deal with this crap is strong, but I still love him! Please help! Those of you who have left while still loving your spouse, yet knew things were tilted PLEASE share your experience. I have hurt this very broken man, knowing in his way, he loves me too!