3:00am Central time in Midwestern USA and here I sit, licking my wounds. I thought about disappearing, or acting like this didn't happen, but that would be the cowardly way out, and I owe it to this group to be forthright about my mistakes. I also thought that admitting my failure might give someone else an excuse to throw in the towel and succumb to their AV, but I know that's just BS, and we each are responsible for ourselves. So here I sit, with a mild hangover, typing out how I ended up here. Nothing dramatic here. Just life.
When I left you yesterday morning, I had to rush out the door to meet up with my daughter, who was moving to her new apartment. Got up late, due to staying up too late the night before. Didn't have time for a shower, or a decent breakfast, so started the day out not feeling all that great. Arrived at her old apartment and realized that I forgot my toolbox. Ex-wife's boyfriend saved the day, as he had enough tools to get us by. Daughter supplied food, which was nice, but it was the really unhealthy variety, which just added to my "blah" feelings. Through the course of the day, I managed to display my ineptitude at taking things apart and putting them back together, and was very aware of ex's boyfriend's aptitude at such things. Fueling my feelings of inadequacy were his interactions with my 16 year old son, as they seem to be good buddies, and I can barely get two sentences out of the kid. Anyway, the move went fine, and I had decided to hang out with my daughter, after everyone else left, and go shopping to get a few things for her new place. Realized that I needed to get back home to take care of her dogs, who I was watching over the weekend so she could manage the move, so those plans fell through. Driving back home in the afternoon, it hit me, and I didn't put up a fight. All of the triggers were there. Overall frustration with the day. Tired. Nothing waiting for me at home. 20 minute drive home and no lifeline. I probably wouldn't have taken it if it was available. I was feeling sorry for myself, and just retreated into my old ways. Six-pack. Drank five and part of the sixth before passing out on the couch.
I failed, my friends, and the counter starts over today. I'm not going to let one day defeat me. Getting this off my chest helps. There are things that I need to do better in my self-care. I could have taken inventory of myself yesterday afternoon and known that I was getting in the danger zone. I got complacent. The guy that was warning everyone about being complacent after the holiday, didn't heed his own advice. I really shouldn't be giving any advice.
Anyway, what's done is done. Thanks for your support. And I'm not going anywhere.