Originally Posted by
BreakFree 
My day has come to an end. I tried so hard to make it special, but it didn't work out very well. Instead of drinking alcohol to escape from my feelings and my family's behavior, I cried hard. I'm done punishing myself for things I cannot control.
I know that I am changing because we were supposed to get together with that couple we're going on vacation with tonight and I cancelled. I honestly just didn't have any desire. RAL, sadly, I think you are right. These are drinking buddies, not real friends
I have a new upcoming event that I am concerned about. It involves a friend that has just gone through a breakup. She wants to get together and I know she needs support and will want to have drinks together. This is someone who I got together with in the past while trying to go alcohol-free and she gave me A LOT of $hit. It's for this reason, that I am dreading getting together. It's not because I want an excuse to drink, it's because I don't want HER to act different and she does. She wasn't as relaxed and open with me that time we got together and I didn't drink. I don't expect her to be any different this time. Another questionable friendship
Sigh...
I have a better understanding of why this upcoming vacation and certain situations are harder for me to remain alcohol-free through. It's not because I want or need an excuse to drink. If want to drink, I am going to drink. It's because I don't want these people to act different towards me and because they have in the past, it sways me. I am not one of those people who need to have alcohol in order to open up, relax (in general - when I'm distressed over something really important that's different) or be social. As I get older, I am realizing that A LOT of people - many of them "normal drinkers"- DO need to drink alcohol in order to be open, relaxed and social. For this reason, because *I* want so desperately to connect with others (I spend a lot of time isolated), it's hard for me to remain alcohol-free when I know I am not being supported. I hope that makes sense. I'm not saying it's right or that it's a valid reason to consume alcohol, but it helps me to put it into perspective. Sadly, there is no good solution. I can't change other people and I can't stay isolated. I need to find connection that supports my alcohol-free lifestyle. In an alcohol saturated culture, that is not easy to do! Ugh...
Thank you for listening to me ramble. I am so incredibly grateful for all of you! Have you thought about going on meetup dot com and searching for groups in your area? I don't know what your interests are but stuff like walking groups, craft groups, etc could be fun and a good way to make new connections. I was looking on there the other day at walking groups and unfortunately the most do-able one for me meets at a time when I'm at work. Other groups I'd be interested in joining were a little too far away for me. Maybe you'd have more options.
I sat down earlier today and wrote out a step-by-step summary of what my drinking cycle looks like from the initial crave, to the giving in, feeling relief, doing embarrassing things, passing out, horrific next-day anxiety, etc. basically, so I can refer to it each time I try to trick myself into thinking "this time will be different, you're not going to get THAT drunk." Because lately it's always the same, and clearly I know quite well what the result is going to be. I might share it on here for added accountability.