Maybe saying things like, " I know you are angry (or disappointed, or frustrated etc) and I understand why you are feeling that way. I will always love you." It would validate that he is indeed feeling a negative emotion and perhaps help him identify it as something other than "hate", all while feeling secure that he is loved.
MCE,
There’s great advice here, and I second the above. In addition to helping him accurately label his feelings (a skill I’m still working on after
decades), it also tells him it’s ok to feel
blank (insert negatve emotion) when bad things happen. I think that is an important message vs. the “chin up” philosophy many of us were raised with.
Slightly OT, but you may find it useful...I was a social worker in a previous career and had a couple of clients who would have a new baby when the last started to toddle. They just loved that phase when they could project onto their infant, and found that developmental stage easier to deal with. I admire folks that are good with infants and young children, as it was something I had to always work at. I have enjoyed parenting DS more with each passing year as he has grown into his own personality, thoughts, dreams, and concerns. Relating to him as a budding adult is much easier for me than taking care of him as a helpless child. I say all this just to put it out there that for me, parenting grew easier and more fascinating with each passing year. You may find the same.
I think it sound like you are handling a difficult situation with lots of grace.
-bora