Don't be ashamed darling, that is your alcoholism trying to stop you from posting and reaching out for help so you can continue drinking, it is cunning, powerful and baffling. One day I feel literally repulsed at the thought of a drink the next day it seems like the obvious solution to my problems!! We have to remain ever vigilant and it can be exhausting but the good news is you have done it before and you can do it again. You have reached out and that is amazing you have proved you want to stop imbibing the poison. Just do whatever it takes to get through this day only without drinking and get your head on your pillow sober tonight.