Interesting rambles, Gerard, and I resonate with much of what you wrote.
I think that, for me, I lost track of a search for meaning in my existence, and I was certainly disgusted with how I have handled many of my affairs while drinking over many years. I substituted my own inner world with the perception of reality as a basis for making choices, and alcohol progressively stripped me of my ability to chose. Losing my free will led me to a loss of ability to seek happiness.
Coming to the realization that my time is limited, and that my capacities will only diminish as time goes by due to age, I hope that I now understand that I don't want to drink anymore. I am re-asserting my ability to chose by pursuing sobriety, with the knowledge that I am a limited creature constricted by the bounds of reality. Does this mean that I alone can become a sober human being? No, that's not true for me.
I am just beginning to relearn what it means to be a man in control of my faculties and to determine what living really offers.
But I ramble ...