I’m sorry this is long. I feel like I have no one to talk to, and don’t want to go crazy.
I keep getting this feeling that I am totally alone. Even in aa lately. Almost all of my interactions feel forced or fake. I couldn’t focus at my meeting today. The topic was very god oriented today. And I can’t seem to get there. I started wondering what was wrong with me, why everyone can find a higher power and have these amazing moments where god talks to them and they just know, but I’m over here like “well maybe a tree can be my higher power? I do like trees.” I just feel like an idiot. Or a fake.

After, I took my kids to the mall play place, and felt so out of touch with other moms. Like I was a fraud or phony sitting there trying to fit in with them. But I’m sure everyone can tell I don’t belong. I realized I feel like a fraud everywhere I go.
The close people in my life, who aren’t alcoholics, I love them for sticking with me. But I feel like I’m so alone with them too. I don’t want to talk about drinking or how I’m feeling, because I should just be snapped out of it by now. And the people I drank with who “really got me” well they only want to hang out with other drinkers. And since I’ve lost that identity, where do I stand now?

Well it’s probably a bunch of self pity all rolled up, topped with some depression, and a little poor me, I’m good at all that stuff. Thanks for listening.