Originally Posted by ;
Big disclaimer before I say this next thing! In no way am I blaming you or judging you, please know that.
While I'm sure you think you were accepting his drinking were you really?
You gave him vitamins, did he ask for them? Did he think it was a great idea?
About the vodka, he is a grown up, alcohol is legal, he likes to drink. But you didn't like his drinking and I'm guessing, although not sure from the way you worded it that you told him so.
Again no blame or judgement here just that it isn't accepting. It's hard! You love this person and they are beating their head against the wall and you get to watch and they won't even let you put a small pillow on the wall! But it's their head and their wall.
I'm going to quote something firesprite said earlier today in another thread because this is what I mean - "There is no "right" answer, we're just challenging your old thought process with new ideas"
Oh my goodness - I'm not taking this as blame at all! I really wish I could convey how touched I am and grateful to have the perspective of strangers who have really gone through this. Yesterday, I dove back into work and my life. I still have a lot of unpacking to do but after reading this and many other posts, I did have the following revelations:
1. Just because I didn't agree with him that my actions were manipulative and controlling (even the ones he never knew about, like the vitamins or telling him we had to get places earlier than we did because his lack of awareness when loopy made us late a lot) or thought they were from a benevolent "guidance" part, they were, in fact, YES, controlling and manipulative because they were not actually totally accepting of him and his actions.
2. I realized I could not accept the actions of him hitting his head against the wall repeatedly, even if I thought I was ignoring it. But I also thought I had no choice if I wanted to make it work with "the love of my life." This was incredibly detrimental to my mental health and in the past two days I have been feeling a huge fog lift.
3. He isn't "the love of my life." If he was, we wouldn't have been defeated by this.
4. I probably didn't really know him at all. I think he went through this relationship in a drunken haze - possibly a little sober and intense in the beginning but he couldn't hold on without drowning or dulling his emotions. Eventually I would feel like I was knowing him less and less and the evenings would start becoming a repeat of the end - this sense of a pwer struggle or confusion as to why we were covering a topic (especially deep intimate topics) that I felt like we had covered and answered before. That this whole "love affair" is probably a brownout for him, and why should I hold on to the memories like they were something real?
5. After so many meltdowns with him, I had felt myself opening up to a Plan B. To be single again, working on my own schedule, taking care of myself, traveling places with someone who isn't panicking because they aren't in the "safe space" of their home where they can drown in vodka (and realizing they weren't quite the world traveler they presented themselves as), knowing I don't have to worry about him anymore (well, I still kinda do, but at a distance).
6. That there's probably someone else out there when I'm ready (although it's gonna be awhile)
7. That I'm so grateful I've brought myself back from the brink of relying on alcohol to drown my own feelings and anxiety. Just last night, I went to my local grocery store where there is a wine bar I used to frequent and know most of the regulars. Running into them I realize how deep into my cups I was and seeing some of them - particularly one kind of odious and creepy guy - I realized this could've been him. Heck, it could've been me!
8. That I have amazing friends and a support system and I wish I had let more people know what was going on because now that they do, they have been so helpful. I look forward to cooking out with them this weekend (although will still probably pass on booze) and getting to know new faces. It's also made me realize I don't need to dwell on this or explain it either - there's no failure here or anything I should be ashamed of. I didn't leave him because I cared too much and I let it cloud my judgment, but I will find tools going ahead. Even if means continuing to read and post here when I am feeling weak and miss him. Because I anticipate I will, whether or not our love was actually "real".
9. My denial on this was particularly deep because I thought I was "too good" to have chosen to date an alcoholic. And it was also deep because I wanted to have a relationship with someone I could drink with without worrying. I haven't had a drink in almost 20 days now, and while I haven't made the decision to cut back "forever", this will definitely affect how and when and how much I consume alcohol in the future and how I choose my partners.
Originally Posted by ;
When it comes to addiction, you have to understand that what the addict wants to do is to hurt themselves... and as crazy as it sounds, they get something out of it. If you have someone who likes hitting their head against a wall cause it excites them, you *could* put them in a straight jacket and strap them to a bed... but that would be cruel, no? They have to want to stop themselves. They have to want to go to get help themselves. If you still love this guy, love him enough to let him have his freedom.
Originally Posted by ;
I gave and gave and gave. Did he ask for things? No. Until I said, hey I have to stop giving this to you, is that okay? I have to leave this relationship, is that okay? That is when he went totally bonkers -- I made his life so totally comfortable so that he could drug himself to death, I enabled him so much (without meaning to cause I thought I was "helping"), that the threat of that being taken away would mean he would have to learn to either A. be sober or B. use drugs without me providing the illusion of normalcy, which would mean *work* on his part. I totally understand why you did what you did!
Yes, he deserves to be free, as do we all. Even if this means me turning my back on him forever. That was the promise of the partnership we had for each other, and I actually didn't hold up my end of the deal when I constructed my life to soften the consequences of his drinking or to try to mitigate it. And the giving in the end left me feeling so used because it was clear he had begun to take it for granted. I guess maybe he'll learn when it doesn't come so easy in the future. Or he won't. None of my business now if I'm really moving on.
Originally Posted by ;
And then months later (if you have been with him for a significant portion of your life and if you resent that you wasted your life with him... like... uh... yours truly) you might be so angry at him it doesn't matter much if you love him anymore because you'll be busy hating him... until you can forgive yourself enough to forgive him too.
I am still angry - but I think right now it's a good thing to stay a little mad. It's driving me forward. I just fear getting bitter.
Originally Posted by ;
I understand the thought that having sex is like having a drink -- it just turns you off. I feel that way about relationships now. I don't know if it's permanent, but it's actually convenient to feel this way. I don't feel lonely... much. It helps to have a pet.
It might be time to consider fostering when things have settled a bit. I agree about the convenience. I feel terrible if I start dating again and I'm constantly vigilantly running every guy through some schematic in my brain trying to pick up alcoholic signals. I would definitely love to hear from people on SR who did move on to find that person in their lives and how they approached.
Probably still lurking for awhile ... I want to thank everyone for their words on this post and elsewhere.