Originally Posted by
fightingfair 
I wish I could get rid of the part that feels so sorry that someone can hate himself this much though. The glimpses I thought I had of him showed me a talented amazing man that was slowly disintegrating. That I could've inspired him to pull himself back from the brink is the belief system I really need to leave behind. But how does one do it without becoming numb to others or building huge walls?
PS - will check out tools
. Right now, I kind of feel about sex the way I feel about a drink. It might be permanent pass from this one.
Another thing that is said around here a lot is that if love could save our addicts, none of us would be here. They have to save themselves.
I just thought of something that might help you maintain your emotional boundaries. Have you ever seen some guy sitting on a street corner with a hat collecting spare change? He "seems" like a nice, safe guy. Okay... so you give him a dollar maybe... then what? You could buy him a sandwich... but then he's also thirsty. You could buy him a Coke. But he is also dirty. You could invite him to your home to use your shower... etc. How far do you go? Or here's another example: there's someone at work who you really, really like, but when it comes to any sort of team work or any work that you have to rely on them, they stink. Your team is voting on projects to "ok". This person who is terrible at team work has a project they are excited about. The voting is not anonymous. How do you NOT vote for their project, deal with them being upset at you later, but still appreciate them as a person? There are so many instances where you can't help people.
When it comes to addiction, you have to understand that what the addict wants to do is to hurt themselves... and as crazy as it sounds, they get something out of it. If you have someone who likes hitting their head against a wall cause it excites them, you *could* put them in a straight jacket and strap them to a bed... but that would be cruel, no? They have to want to stop themselves. They have to want to go to get help themselves. If you still love this guy, love him enough to let him have his freedom.
And then months later (if you have been with him for a significant portion of your life and if you resent that you wasted your life with him... like... uh... yours truly) you might be so angry at him it doesn't matter much if you love him anymore because you'll be busy hating him... until you can forgive yourself enough to forgive him too.
I understand the thought that having sex is like having a drink -- it just turns you off. I feel that way about relationships now. I don't know if it's permanent, but it's actually convenient to feel this way. I don't feel lonely... much. It helps to have a pet.
By the way... editing to add that I also gave my ex vitamins. I gave and gave and gave. Did he ask for things? No. Until I said, hey I have to stop giving this to you, is that okay? I have to leave this relationship, is that okay? That is when he went totally bonkers -- I made his life so totally comfortable so that he could drug himself to death, I enabled him so much (without meaning to cause I thought I was "helping"), that the threat of that being taken away would mean he would have to learn to either A. be sober or B. use drugs without me providing the illusion of normalcy, which would mean *work* on his part. I totally understand why you did what you did! I think a lot of us have been there.