Originally Posted by ;
Your example of living a "better" way would be totally lost on him, he is doing things his way.
In fact your quitting drinking and furthering your fitness might even have triggered him. He at least had a semi-drinking buddy, now not even that!
Yes, I had pulled back on the drinking. First on the evening cocktails, than alcohol altogether and was pretty vocal about me doing it for my own good. I drank kombucha instead (which he encouraged by both buying me varieties and a brewing kit). I think in the last two months - apart from a trip to Napa (terrible choice in retrospect) I never really "drank" with him in the evenings but I thought he was fine with it. The real shift came after some disastrous times on that trip (moodiness, withdrawals, refusal to hang out with my friends) and we had a cryptic discussions about things we could both be doing better. I think the difference is, I went and did these things determinedly sober and he did not.
Although I do pause for a second and wonder if he often thought I had an alcohol problem since I was so big on it being a concern for me? Well, it is. That was me being transparent and open with him, so be it.
Originally Posted by ;
The truth is, he would have to sober up, seek recovery from alcoholism, , find counselling and probably years of it to make a recovery. But again, he would have to want to do that and that's not the case here.
Yes and ... who knows what sober him would've wanted? I know sober me was feeling constantly anxious and unsettled and yet trying to steady on. TOday the sun is shining and I'm enjoying a last free day before returning to work. The grief and missing is still here but I feel a little bit more free of that awful abyss I could feel pulling me under. (Once I described this feeling to him, and he wondered why I thought that feeling applied only to me. Food for thought because my assumption has been everyone feels that way at least occasionally).
Originally Posted by ;
As for becoming numb to others or building walls, neither is necessary. All you have to do is accept the above, no one can change anyone else (nor should you want to really). The key is to accept people just the way they are.
If I had to sum up the biggest feeling of betrayal at the breakup it's that I thought I expressed that I loved and accepted him for who he is. And that I was willing to be there for him if he needed me. But maybe in retrospect this was another place of my words getting in front of my actual state of being because even though I said my limit was the secret drinking, I think he knew there was part of me now that was tuned in and always watchful. Kinda like having a toddler on the playground.