orderfororder

Journaling has helped me in the past, in what was probably my longest sober streak. I'd like to try again and see if it helps as much.

First, I have to count the successes I've had this year with sobriety. Compared to the previous two years, where I barely ever had two consecutive sober days, I was able to start this year off with months of sobriety. Unfortunately, I relapsed, and would then get a month here or a week there in between even more relapses. Nowadays, I seem barely be able to keep a week without another 2-3 day binge.

So it seems my strength is starting to dwindle, and I know that's mostly because I am letting external factors affect me. I lost a job, two people that I care about won't even speak to me...but it is because of my drinking that these things happened. And, ironically, I turn to drinking when I feel bad about them? It is the beginning of a hole that I will soon be unable to dig myself out of.

It is becoming clearer to me that I need to change the way I think in general while I stay sober. I cannot always give into cynical thoughts or romanticize mentally and physically unhealthy lifestyles. There is an underlying sense of distrust I have in the world around me which, although part of me thinks it protects me, only pushes me away from others.

My plan for improving the quality of my thoughts? First, I am looking into therapy. Then, diet. I have always liked to stay fit, but I am also thinking of adding in some yoga in addition to weights and cardio.

I will try not to add in too many things at once, since that can lead to being overwhelmed. I will take it day by day, keeping in mind my goal for a more positive outlook. Early sobriety is tough. Whenever I am drunk or buzzed, I have all sorts of ideas for how I am going to change when I sober up. But in the first few days of sobriety, your emotions can go up and down at the drop of a hat. It is hard to jump right into everything with the same amount of energy.

It is also autumn, with winter coming soon enough. The months are darker and colder, it's easier to give into negative thoughts. I'll try to prepare for that, looking into those lamps they make for people with seasonal affective disorder and maybe some vitamin D supplements.

At any rate, this is day 2. Let me produce more strength than weakness today.