Still here and still sober.
Kaily and Hawkeye, I'm glad you're back.
Hawkeye, that 'no matter what' mentality is so important to me I got that phrase tattooed on the inside of my arm. It's my first tattoo. I got it after 2.5 years sober to remind myself every day of the importance of a total 100% commitment to sobriety, recovery, and showing up and being present in my life.
Then I dove headlong into anywhere from 1/2 to 3/4 a liter of vodka every night for a year and a half. I hated myself for being there again. I thought I had it under control. I was so wrong and was sure I had lost myself for good this time.
Now I'm 3 weeks sober again. I was thinking about that 2.5 years earlier today. I usually say those years were a failure. I was a dry drunk all that time. I refused to accept the way things were in my life. I made up stories about how I would like things to be instead and lived as if my stories were reality. Denial was a way of life even as I told myself I couldn't possibly be in denial because I knew and accepted that I was an addict!
But I'm starting to see that no quit attempt, short or long, has ever been a waste. I learn from all of them. Eventually I'll get it, or I'll die. 'No matter what' has come to mean that I never stop stopping.