Oh hummingbird
It is hard when the people we love aren't doing well! I get it.
I used to let the emotions of others become my emotions. That was really true for me with my ex-husband. When I came home from work, I never knew what I was going to find or how the evening would go. Would he (we) be in a good mood or a bad mood?
It wasn't until after the divorce and through therapy of my own for a while, that I recognized what I was doing and began to learn how to stop it. Detachment--what a concept! Other people are actually completely separate from me! They have their own lives, their own thoughts, their own feelings that *aren't* mine. I have my own thoughts and feelings--and that's plenty!
I hope that someday soon your loved one will find his way...and that you will come to know peace whether or not your loved one is sober or struggling.