Originally Posted by
atalose 
I also used to confuse joy and happiness thinking they were one in the same but I learned that happiness is based on what is happening around me. Joy is based on what is happening within me.
What a great, succinct way to put it.
I completely agree - and this helps me redefine my needs a bit too. I think a lot of it comes down to being ready to Share Joy.
Like Liz said, on my mat, everything is in it's place & I am in utter peace & even time loses any meaning. Joy exists there on a constant & appears in glimpses throughout the rest of my days in a sort of scattershot way.... a moment here, an hour there, etc.
I think that throughout our separation(s), I've been able to really identify the things that initiate & sustain Joy in my world because I was doing it on my own entirely.
Now, sharing space & living life sort of "in-between" has upset my balance - both by challenging me to keep that focus on myself despite all the distraction of him AND by him bringing actual changes in himself to the table that don't yet fit into my new definitions & that I'm not willing to base expectations around... I'm still observing & going through all the aftershocks of this last year & in no way ready to simply accept, trust & move on. Plus, we are still defining what moving on means for us month-by-month..... and a lot of my FOO stuff is also tied up in this for me personally. Joy & FOO clash terribly in my world, especially now when I'm working so hard to redefine those roots, to create & move into new paradigms.
So Joy has been a lot more difficult to hold onto - I've been jumping in between moments of Happiness for sure, and when it fades it leaves an emptiness that I'm a little unfamiliar with after all this time..... I got really used to Joy I was cultivating just hanging in the background on a constant basis.
Some parts of this year have reminded me of how I felt in my earliest days of recovery & this Lack of Joy was a big aspect of it way back then.