Pathwaytofree

It helps to know there's someone out there similar to me so I can feel less like the only one. I hope it helps you too to know you're not the only one.
It sucks, doesn't it? Mine's getting better through mindfulness, awareness, seeing that I really CAN change, yoga, therapy, exercising, etc but it still sucks.

I know exactly what you mean. I hate being alone because I love people, but it's easier on the anxiety to be alone. But it brings on sadness, isolation, and loneliness--which isn't good for depression.

Exactly my experience. People are uncomfortable around the energy of someone who is anxious. They think something's off about us. They avoid us like a porcupine or something. People misunderstand my anxiety and think it's something else. It sucks.

I do too. But trying brings on anxiety for me which just becomes a vicious cycle.

I give you credit for trying to go to those. I don't think I have the confidence to go to those. I never feel like I fit in anywhere. I always feel like I stand out, no matter who I try to socialize with.

My husband is happy to see me making an effort with exercising. I really like the people at one place I go to, but I don't think they want to be friends with me. My anxiety just makes me rub people the wrong way. I hate it.

I understand what you mean. There was a book club I went to last year with a bunch of women. One woman was an acquaintance. I tried to become friends with her, but she told me one day that she hates small talk, going out to lunch/coffee, etc. I tried to go to the book club and fit in. I was friendly and helpful. But one month, I didn't read the book so I wasn't go to go. I ran into my acquaintance at the grocery store. She was genuiely kind and friendly. She said I should go even though I didn't read the book. Unfortunately, the hostess was just really bitchy and weird. She was not friendly to me when I arrived. When I spilled water from overflowing a glass from the automatic thing on the fridge (I do crap like that often unfortunately, which then feeds into my anxiety worse), she was very irritated, which made me more anxious. Then in a very angry tone of voice during the discussion she said to me, "Why are you a member of a book club if you didn't read the book?! Didn't you feel an obligation to read it?!" Yeah that was the end of that.

Other times, I feel like everyone's fitting in well, but I just don't fit in. Here's a stupid example on the surface, but at a deeper level maybe you'll get where I'm coming from. A few months ago, I went out with a friend & two acquaintances. We went to a nice restaurant with pretty gardens. They all wore pretty floral stuff including dresses. I was in jeans and a black top. I felt awkwardly out of place. They all drank from the moment we got there, until the moment we left. It's uncomfortable being the sober one around drunk women who are flirting with the waiters, making penis jokes, and all the nonsense that goes along with drinking. I was hysterical crying on my drive home. I don't know why. I used to be able to fit in and have fun. It's like I don't know who or what I am anymore. Alcohol masked my anxiety and depression so well.

I hear you. I tried to tell my husband this weekend that I hope he knows the authentic me, and when I'm anxious or depressed--and how I act because of it--that's not the authentic mean.

My best friend just sort of accepts me for my "quirks". She's a Christian and that is I think why she accepts me warts and all. Plus I think because she lives a simple, calm life, my wackiness, former drama, depression, anxiety adds some interest I guess. If I was just like her, we wouldn't have much to talk about other than how fast or slow the grass was going. It'd be boring. That all being said, I know she cares about me, and I do believe she knows that I mean well and have a good heart. At least that's what I think. We've been there for each other in hard times. It's just that we live far away. She doesn't understand addiction, depression, anxiety, abusive toxic FOO, but she does her best.

I am so truly sorry that you're going through this. It hurts a lot when you're there for someone, but they're not there for you. I sometimes think it's because they're not able to be there for other people. I have a cousin who is like that. She is really sweet and has a great personality. But she is all surface. There's no depth. I think it's some sort of defense mechanism.

If your friend thinks you're being neurotic, that's on her. I know how painful it is sometimes when we are hurt by what others think of us. I try hard to not let other people's opinions of me effect how I feel about myself, but it is not easy. I had a friend who was watching my dogs call me "neurotic". People don't understand that the anxious feelings we feel are real. We don't have them on purpose. I know the psych I see tells me all the time that "feelings lie" but sometimes they feel so truthful.

If it helps you to not feel so alone, I had a college friend who suffered greatly from anxiety--worse than mine. I was always there for her. We had lost touch, and then gotten back in touch. As a living amend, I always was on time for our lunches (she freaks out if anyone's a minute late), I always made sure the conversation was about her job, her hobbies, her daughter, her parents, her vacations, her weekend, etc. It was going really well for about 3 years. Then, when I had a medical emergency and missed calling her before her surgery, I tried to explain what had happened to me. She treated me like I was attention-seeking. I could tell by her facial reactions and tone of voice. I let it go, but it was hurtful. I almost died. I do not appreciate being treated like the boy who cried wolf, when clearly I have changed and grown immensely.

I have accepted the fact that even though I was there for her and her anxiety, she couldn't or wouldn't do the same for me. It's up to me if I want to continue to be friends with someone knowing she likely wouldn't ever be there for me, or if I pulled myself up by bootstraps, had self-respect, and decided I don't want someone like that in my life. I chose the later, after she flaked on 3 lunch dates in a row and acted like a bitch when I asked her what was up. AA would've told me to be kind, tolerant, and forgive. Nope. Time for me to have self-respect. I deserve better friends than that.

I am happy for you that you do. I think it's my "gift" for putting up with all the sh*t I put up with in childhood, adolesence, and my early 20s. He and I just sorta get each other. We had similar childhoods. I also think our anxiety sort of connects us.

Exactly. Same here. And I will if something ever happens to him. I'm tired. I'm tired of reaching out to family members (his or mine), friends, acquaintances and it never ever going anywhere. One person can only take so much hurt. I guess my anxiety makes me socially awkward and if I was younger, I could've taken social skills classes or something. But they don't offer that sort of thing for adults.

One time I was with my rescue dog, and there was a teenager who came up to the group of us. I was sitting on a blanket with my dog. He asked me questions and was trying to have a back and forth with me. His mother was standing by watching with a big smile on her face. I knew immediately that he was practicing his social skills. He did a great job. I wish I had the tools that he did, and I wish I had the help he does when I was his age.

My therapist a while ago had suggested I observe people when I'm out in public. I try, but I think it comes across as that I am staring at them or eavesdropping. I don't know how to do it nonchalantly. Also sometimes in my loneliness, I think I over-observe people who are together and it makes them uncomfortable. I think strangers think I'm weird. And that just makes me more depressed. I used to go shopping by myself if I wasn't drinking, and I enjoyed watching mothers and daughters, boyfriends and girlfriends, or girlfriends with their friends shopping together. But I'm sure I sound pretty pathetic writing all of this. The most painful is watching mothers with their young children. It warms my heart but at the same time is extremely painful. I don't have children of my own, because now that I can admit it, I always knew in my heart I would be a loving, nurturing mother but I'd be extremely anxious and extremely overwhelmed, and I didn't want to mess up my kids over that.

Same here. And the older I get, the worse it's getting.
Feel free to PM me anytime. :-) Maybe we can keep in touch over email or something, too.

That was my experience. And why I think I don't even feel like I fit in at AA meetings a lot of times. My story just isn't like anyone else's story.

You really weren't. I had no trouble following it.

Thank you. It does help to know I'm not alone in my pain even though it feels like I am. Hugs right back to you and anyone else reading this who feels the same way.