5:47 am
Happy to be sober, alive and healthy on this Tuesday morning.
It is the first morning that I will be getting myself ready and then getting the kids ready and off to school before going straight to work- usually my husband is here to help but he goes into work at 6 today.
I am well prepared to handle the stress- lunches are packed, my smoothies and water are packed for the day- now all I have to do is go get in the shower and get dressed.
It's been a roller coaster of emotions in this house. All I want is for my children to grow up stable, comfortable and grounded. There seems to be so many big emotions in our home and it's to the point where it really worries me at times. How much of this is my fault? If I were more emotionally stable would my kids be too? Why can't I find stability?
My husband and I had our first weekly meeting last night. I started these years ago when things weren't being communicated well between us. We stopped and started many times over our various moves and changes in life. Now we are back to it, but it's the first time that the only time we can actually meet is after the kids are in bed, which is super late for me but it's a sacrifice I have to make.
The meeting went well but it seems the most important things, about the state of our marriage, was swept under the rug as usual. I am putting a time limit on our marriage. Neither one of us is happy. There is no affection, no love. We sleep in separate rooms now. What is the point? Of course I don't want to get divorced- nobody wants that for their kids or for themselves. But I don't want to be miserable and have the kids see us miserable forever. So I give it a year. If in a year we haven't reached a place where we can be coridial and respectful of each other, and stop fighting in front of the kids, I think this is just over.
Do you believe that some people just aren't meant to be together? Some people just aggravate each other to the core? That's how I feel about him. We fight almost every day. We annoy the crap out of each other. We judge, we criticize and our instinct is to repel rather than support.
Sorry for the long story.
Off to shower- Love you guys- Happy Tuesday!