Pathwaytofree

I hate anxiety. It makes me feel like a crazy person. And people don't get what anxiety really is. They say things like, "Oh I get anxious before a job interview", etc. It's not like that. That's just a normal person feeling nervous.

A friend of mine recently told me that someone new I met told her that I make her uncomfortable but she can't put her finger on why. I knew immediately it was because of my anxiety. It's ironic. I'm anxious around people because I desperately want to connect, have friends, and a better social life, yet that anxiety is exactly what kills the connection.

I am on facebook because I thought that'd be a great way to stay connected with people, see what's going on, have more of a social life, etc. Unfortunately, it makes me feel worse. The more people's posts I see of what they're all doing, the sadder and more isolated I feel.

I make new acquaintances but I can't seem to turn that into actually doing stuff together.

The saddest part for me is this: I have changed and grown remarkably the last 6 years. It was extremely hard work and extremely painful, plus throw in a near death experience. I am definitely not anything like the person I used to be. My facebook posts over the last few years should show that. I don't post much and when I do there's never a hint of drama, anger, fear, or emotions. And yet, people just don't seem to want to accept that I have changed. They still seem to think of me as the old version of myself.

Here's one painful example. Ten years ago, I was going through some very difficult painful things. I had a friend who happens to be a therapist. But I never talked to her like that, except for one time when I my stress was so extreme that I was feeling suicidal. I reached out to her for help; not to be in drama. When you're in that level of extreme stress, anxiety, and pain, you can't help yourself and need someone to push you in the right direction to help yourself. She talked to me a couple of times, but got confused when one time we met, I stuffed down all my pain and put on my friendly facade. She went home, and sent me an email demanding an apology for reaching out to her about my depression. I apologized. And then she cut me off.

I met her out of the blue in town about 4-5 years later. I apologized to her. It was ackward, but I thought my apology was sincere.

I then met her again at a workshop in town. I was happy to see her. We had friends in common. I made a much more detailed apology, but my anxiety messed it up badly. I babbled way too much. I finally caught myself when she made a joke--something like don't ruin an apology by overdoing it. I thought we were in a good place now and we could move forward. I really thought in the past we had some good times together when we'd socialize and stuff.

I friended her on facebook. We commented on each other's posts. Every now and then, I'd reach out and ask her if she wanted to do something together. Usually it was an event in town that I noticed we both were interested in. She gave me excuses as to why she couldn't go. Yeah I'm used to this. It happens all the time. I happened with my husband's family and that hurt me a lot. It happens with people I try to socialize with. Usually it's one time and then nothing after that.

I don't know what I do wrong. It feels like all that hard work was for nothing. I can't seem to reconnect with old friends, because they're not seeing me for who I am now and only for who I used to be. I can't seem to make new friends, because I just stumble a lot and my anxiety ruins it.

If I didn't have my husband I seriously wouldn't have anyone or anything to stay alive for. He's been the only person in my life who gets me. And he doesn't even really get me. But he has anxiety too and so that sort of helps in a way.

I don't even talk to anyone about my depression/anxiety, which makes me feel even more isolated and alone. Everyone misunderstand me and my intentions. Like here's one of a million examples. For many years, I was too depressed to send out Christmas cards. Yes I get it, on the surface you're probably thinking "What's so hard about sending out Christmas cards?!" The task itself isn't hard at all. But if you've never experienced that overwhelming dark energy of depression that saps every bit of energy, motivation, as well as discipline from every cell of your being, you have no idea what it's like. Getting out of bed and into the shower is a struggle.

It sucks. I think the isolation, loneliness, despair and misperceptions of anxiety and depression are worse than alcoholism, in my experience.

Does anyone get where I'm coming from?

I also had another therapist friend who I met at a self-help workshop and I get together with occasionally say to me this crazy thing "depression and anxiety is the person's fault." I couldn't believe it. I had to seriously stop myself from saying anything. I don't talk to her about my depression/anxiety because it's not her business and she's a friend; I'm not a patient. I'll only talk about it if she asks questions. But now I feel like I have to put on that fake smile facade around her, dare she thinks that my depression and anxiety are my own fault. I can hide my depression and anxiety well, so I will have to continue to do that with her.

I had a therapist around the same time of that really painful time years ago when I knew that first therapist friend. It was an extremely raw, stressful, anxiety-provoking, on the verge of a nervous breakdown type of anxiety. I used to go to the therapist and because my anxiety was so bad, I'd have verbal diarrhea. She'd sit there with an awful scowl on her face the entire time. Her scowl made me even more anxious. It was horrendous. It was traumatic. I was going to therapy to try to help myself, and she'd scowl. My verbal diarrhea was not on purpose. I was falling apart at the seams and didn't know how to fix it. I couldn't help myself and was reaching out for help. It's crazy to think this is how professional people in the field of psychology who are trained to help people with anxiety treat people. She only helped me one time when a professional high up person in my internship did something extremely cruel and abusive toward my anxiety/depression. He should've known better. But other than that one time she continued to just scowl at me and treat me like a paycheck, which just fed my anxiety even more. It was an awful experience.

I'm trying to be authentic with myself. I'm trying to practice mindfulness. That's been really important with my growth. My current therapist says that my awareness and growth have both been outstanding and I've changed a lot since starting our sessions. But I feel like I still cannot be authentic with my depression and anxiety outside our sessions. It's crazy that this is how three professional psychology people treated me. I ran into the therapist a few years ago, and she gave me an awful smirk. It was so painful. I hated every session with her. I didn't want to be there, yet I dragged myself to go to try to help myself. I couldn't control my anxiety or verbal diarrhea. I was in tremendous pain and didn't know how to communicate it. I don't know what to think anymore and I'm back to hiding out alone in my depression and anxiety and putting on a smile with other people.
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