I'm beating myself up for having these resentments and so wish I could just be cool and supportive with her recovery and tell her don't worry, I've got home covered, while you work on getting better for the family. Why can't I do that. Ugh?
Because it is really frickin' hard to do that! It does not just come naturally. If AlAnon hasn't reached you can you get some one on one therapy, with a therapist who understands addiction/codependency?
I've had a lot of success with transforming the "beat myself up" voices by just kind of observing them and making some space around them, like, "Hmmm I seem to have this strong point of view that I should be able to just shake off my anger and resentment. What other points of view are possible....?"
This kind of stops me from just attacking myself, which does no good, and shifts my perspective a little. What we go through in relationships with As is not just undone when they get help and get sober and find recovery. We've been through a war, man, there are lasting effects and defenses and bad habits of mind we have built up just to survive.
Peace,
B.