Remember the friend's daughter who came to the mountains to stay with us one weekend? She had just lost custody of her daughter and come out of rehab, and was trying to live straight.
As you may recall, we had a very nice time.
I texted her to find out how she was doing shortly thereafter, and she said that she was fine, nothing new--but in fact, the very next day she had gotten mad at her host, gone out and gotten wasted, then spent the night in jail with a DUI.
Her stepmother had told me.
I didn't intend to violate her privacy, but on her court date I told her that i was pulling for her and praying for her.
She thanked me, simply.
It had been a few weeks since I'd thought of her, so yesterday I sent her a little "thinking of you and praying" text.
INSTANTLY she called back to say that she was being kicked out of her current living situation in a week and a half.
I was the obvious one to tell, because we have the mountain house that is mostly empty most of the time.
She didn't ask, but I was choking and sputtering anyway. Then my daughter texted something to me in all caps, so I said clumsily, "I have to go! I'll keep your situation in mind."
I felt like I ended it in kind of a chicken-sh*t way, and that I owed her the truth of what was on my mind.
So I composed the following email, which I have sent to her dad and stepmom to preview to tell me whether it would be good to send.
The mountain house really was a giant elephant in the room during the phonecall with the girl.
"Hi X,
"I’m sorry I had to hang up so abruptly yesterday: as it turned out, my daughter was texting me something in all caps, so between my concern for your situation and her text, I got flustered and had to get off the phone quick.
"Please forgive me.
"Obviously, the first thing I thought of when you said that you were being kicked out from your friend’s house in a week and a half was, 'We have a house with extra rooms.'
"And my knee-jerk instinct was to think, 'It’s the natural solution--besides--I JUST TOLD HER I WAS PRAYING FOR HER!'
"It sounds pretty hollow to say 'I’m praying for you,' then not follow through with what seems like an obvious physical solution.
"But first of all, (husband) makes the offers about who stays in our house.
"But secondly, at this point, I’m afraid I wouldn’t be able to offer our home to you, either.
"For one thing, you sounded like you were slurring. Maybe it’s true that you were not drunk--but I admit that I suspect you were and were simply lying to me.
"Even if you were not drinking yesterday, when I asked you a few weeks ago what was new, you didn’t mention your DUI. That’s kind of lying by omission. I understand why you wouldn’t feel comfortable just coughing that kind of personal info up--but, still, your word was not trustworthy.
"The third thing that makes me, a former addict, believe you’re still drinking and not ready to be trusted with a big commitment like living in our house is the fact that you blameshift.
"Every one of us has our own selves to blame for much of the crap that happens to us; yet everything that has been happening to you seems to be everyone else’s fault. I have never heard you own up to any of your share of blame for your current dilemma.
"That screams out to me 'bad character.' and somebody whom I might truly like very much, but whom I would be foolish to trust with my home.
"I’m very sorry. I wish I had something more positive concretely to offer you. But I felt I owed you the truth of what I was thinking, rather than just to say, 'I’m praying, I’m praying'--then blow you off.
"I know you probably could not give a rat’s ass right now, but I really do care and I am praying for you.
"When you are ready to make a change, please do what I did and visit the SoberRecovery.com website. It is an amazing, helpful, and non-judgmental place that can really help us break self-destructive, self-hating, self-sabotaging patterns.
"Very fondly (in spite of how it looks),
"Kathy"
I am still waiting to hear from her dad and stepmom about whether I should send it. I know they are at their wits' end.