Had 5 days but now back to 0 and on a binge
Last week I told myself this was it, I was gonna stop drinking and get sober. And I felt okay for the first few days.. I've never been the type of alcoholic to get withdrawal symptoms, but I did get cravings throughout the day that would come and go. One day, day 5, was particularly bad for the cravings. It just so happened that day was the day I needed to go grocery shopping, and the grocery store is right next to the liquor store. I did my groceries and was okay, put it all in my car and began to drive off, but then that big liquor store sign caught my eye. I tried so hard to resist, stopped and hesitated for a bit but then gave in and got a bottle of vodka. That was 3 days ago and since then I've been drinking before class everyday, driving while buzzed, drinking in the afternoon and before bed.. it's too much. I know I should stop and deep down I really want to, it's not fun anymore and I just feel guilty every time I drink. But still, I wanna keep on going. I'm only 20, how could I just stop drinking for the rest of my life? Maybe I'm not ready for sobriety. I don't know.. it's so conflicting. I just keep thinking why did it have to end up like this? Why couldn't I just be a normal drinker and have some drinks on the weekend? I'm tired of this, it's a miserable way to live, but I can't just stop for good. The longest I've had sober was 1 month and it felt good but it couldn't last because the whole time leading up to that 1 month milestone, I always had the idea that I'd let myself have some drinks once I reached it. I was even counting down the days til I could have those drinks. So how can I stay sober while going one day at a time and still avoiding all the triggers and temptations? Am I even ready for that? I feel hopeless.