Welcome to SR. When the teacher asked us what we wanted to be when we grew up, we all wanted to be a policeman or fireman, or vet or nurse. Nobody wanted to be an alcoholic. It wasn't a career or lifestyle choice, nor was it a criminal offence.
It is an illness with a definite pathology, one part of which is the alcoholics very strong desire not to be an alcoholic. Instead they have an obsession to control and enjoy their drinking. It's not your fault, anymore than catching a cold would be your fault. It is just something that happens to some people, like me, and we can never take alcohol safely in any form at all.
Have a good look around this site. You will find all kinds of useful suggestions and things you can check out. It is a problem if you can't get past one day. Maybe a detox or rehab will need to be considered for you to get a start.