Yes, that's it! Like you and a few others have experienced, things are settling down, so I'm on edge. I have been waiting for the other shoe to drop. Things are normalizing, and I don't know how to deal with it. I'm tensed up, waiting. How do I protect myself when the chaos begins again? Now that I know what the problem is, I can begin to work it out. Thanks! Happy dance 😍
Originally Posted by
aliciagr 
Im so sorry you are having problems controlling the panic attacks. I will be praying for you to get through the after work meeting safely.
When my panic symptoms started it was after life had begun to settle down and things were going pretty good. But I think because a pattern had developed of up/down in relation to my husbands binging and everything. I was constantly off guard. When things settled those memories kept saying nope your not safe, more bad things are going to happen. It wasn't even focused on my husband as you know. I would panic going to Target or taking my son out.
I also went through a phase of exaggerating things in my mind so to speak. Awfulizing small things that were really nothing and building up the feelings of panic within myself. I sort of tracked it back in to what I can only call a relapse beginning in my thinking before it happened physically. Yes, sort of like a relapse to a substance would be. And it wasn't easy to identify or stop myself before I was on the cliff and symptoms were showing up.
You are peeling back the layers of pain not only from the experience with your husband but others as well correct? Its a lot to sort through ! My husband has more layers to go through than I do based on earlier life events he experienced.
When you look at your history and the chaos/trauma - how long have the stretches of smooth sailing been before you just knew intuitively that it wouldn't last long and another thing' would happen?
Could the healing and progress, stretches of smooth sailing be triggering you because it also feels unstable and not trust worthy?
things like the after work meeting, marriage counseling and the like are progress but they are also unknowns. In some ways, its still presenting hurdles/challenges/stress that call back to old experiences and keep your emotions on edge and stir up the memories. The brain takes time to rewire and find new pathways to handle triggers and stimulus. Be kind to yourself and know you ARE creating a new roadmap. It just takes time !
Im so happy you have a therapist who is helping you move through this. Here for you and inspired by how far you have come !