Checking In
Good morning, SR -
I'm just checking in with all, mainly for accountability purposes, as I had a slip last weekend. I'm on day 6 today.
I wasn't surprised in a sense because relapse always seems to be a part of my recovery story, but I was surprised in other ways. I felt instant release just holding the stuff, before I even took a sip, and as soon as I did, I just confirmed it wasn't what I was truly seeking...it never is. Sure, I reset a little. I was able to calm down, please the rebellious animal that had been bucking at my rear for weeks, etc. It's true what they say though, the longer you're in the program, the more AA and recovery will ruin your drinking. I was immediately honest, and called everyone in my recovery to announce what I had done/was doing, I felt guilt enough to control the amount I drank (which is NOT my style, especially in a relapse, I get the "eff it, make it count" attitude), and I reached out to people that would hopefully understand and let me sober up and talk about it with them, and blessedly they did. Finally, I journaled ("why did I do this", "was it really that bad", "why were you inconsolable and unable to calm down", "what tools can we realistically use in the future"). At the end of the night, I looked up at the stars. It was like looking at them for the first time in forever, and I realized how much of my old self I had allowed to creep back in.
I hesitated coming right back here immediately and still haven't gone back to a meeting since, I was growing worried that I really was a lost cause again and was concerned about poisoning the well. One of the main reasons I decided to imbibe even as I held it and consciously at that point asked myself to stop and think, I truly thought I had nothing to show for those 66 days. It's so wonderful to discover I really did, actually and there's proof in that today. I almost feel like God not giving up on me and helping me immensely this week was the "punishment" I deserved, as I dreaded and almost couldn't wait to beat myself up...this is "worse" and more fitting in the sense that it seems there are forces that truly do want me to succeed, and the world has proven me wrong.
I'm thankful for this site, and you all letting me share. I hope my story is somewhat helpful to my fellows struggling. I obviously don't recommend what I did!!! We all know it was not worth it in any sense, and the repercussions could have been immense, I truly know that and my old self wanted to flirt with them. Thanks to this site and the tools I've learned, I'm so thankful I was able to pick myself back up immediately; that I do recommend, no matter which gutter you find yourself in.
Love to you all, and enjoy your weekend.