zerominuszero20

Hi All,

First I would like to say that I don't drink nearly as much as I used to. I don't drink every day and when I do which is maybe twice a week it's around 4 beers to a 6 pack.

A few years ago when I was at rock bottom, I would go home and pound the scotch every day after work into the night. Maybe I would stop somewhere and get a bite to eat first or just buy takeout. I was not a social drinker because people drink way too slow. I need a double shot in me ASAP while others are sipping beer and cocktails. I also didn't drink at bars since that was too expensive. I always bought the generic brand of supermarket scotch since it was cheap and totally didn't make a difference to me. I would just chug it while watching documentaries online and then pass out.

The next day would always be absolute hell. I couldn't do "Hair of the Dog" since I couldn't risk going to work with alcohol on my breath, I worked at 8 - 5 p.m., M-F, office job.

Now the whole next day at work would be a continuous panic attack and there were times when I had to go home sick or just go out to my car and sit for half an hour just to do deep breathing. (There were so many times I felt like just putting the key in the ignition and driving away and not even care about my job or my life, I was that down.)

Now the pattern is this: at around 4- 4:30 every day I would feel a strong lifting sensation of relief and most of the remorse lifted as if it was never real. That's why I would be able to drink every night.

Are any of you familiar with this pattern and what do you think it is all about?

I finally was able to cut down my drinking after multiple times of outpatient rehab moving back in with my parents.