Wanting to be Bad
Hi all,
My first post, but I’ve been reading the forums here for… years? 24 days sober after 34 years drinking (etc…).
Anyway, I’ve been working on identifying my triggers, and had something of a revelation. I was having lunch with my alcoholic boss, and watched her put away 6 drinks in an hour--basically, a normal eye-opener for her. In the past, I would have kept up (free drinks while I’m getting paid!), but despite my very early sobriety, I wasn’t triggered, and stuck to coffee.
I went home smug in my sobriety, and then that night watched “The Shining” with my son. There’s a point in the movie (sorry if this is a spoiler) when Jack Nicholson says screw it to his 5 months of sobriety and knocks back a glass of bourbon. It’s the precise point when he shifts from just an abusive jerk to a full-blown axe murderer.
And THAT’S what triggered me. If I hadn’t dumped all the booze in the house, I would have hopped up and poured a glass right then.
It dawned on me after the craving passed that the reason “moderation” has never worked for me is that I drink specifically to be immoderate. I drink to ditch my responsibilities, to rebel, to BE BAD. Whether it was dropping acid and smoking crack as a teen, or swiping cognac off the food cart on last month’s flight home from Paris, substance abuse has always been an eff it to the world--my family, my ex-wife, my crazy job…
Does this desire to simply be bad resonate with any of you? I’m not sure how I can even follow a recovery plan, if that little 13-year-old rebel in me is just waiting for the moment when he can be bad again. All the positives of sobriety (and there are MANY) aren’t a defense when the whole reason I drink is to mess everything up like a teen vandal.
Thanks for letting me vent.