Originally Posted by
Surfbee 
hey Glenjo! Hope you're having a slightly easier day today. I know it's up and down but just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you, and everyone here who is grieving and missing the one they love... and again I totally relate to the way you feel.
Acceptance that it broke and it's over is the hardest part...and for me, accepting that I too had a part in the breaking is probably even the hardest bit. i.e. I allowed myself to get addicted to his problem of addiction. I allowed myself to obsess over his custody battle issues.... his depression... his anxiety. I allowed myself to get wound up and frustrated by someone else's problems, when really I should have minded my own business. I'd have been far better off and wouldn't be feeling the pain I feel now had I minded my own business. Hell, I might have stepped back a year ago, and moved on by now... OR I could have stepped back a year ago and my ex might have started picking up the slack sooner, and we might have had a real chance. I will never know that. But I do know there is a great lesson in this right now.
Had you not broken up and experienced this much pain, you wouldn't have had this *awakening* that is happening to you right now. It's painful and it sucks but it is also this amazing gift too.
I kinda want to shove the gift sometimes and go back in time ! lol , but I also want to accept and love this pain... and .... and moment to moment, take little positive action steps towards the life my heart really really wants. And that is to really just learn to love myself fully... and to be strong and compassionate alone, and be strong and compassionate in my next relationship with whoever that will be.
I admit though that I believe anything is possible in the future. I'm still holding onto a little hope that maybe my ex might get into a recovery programme... and one day we might have a real chance. But I'm wise enough now to know that it would be *uncaring of myself* to chase and expect that.
This time is yours... and if you have any hope in your heart to reconcile, I think it's okay to be open to that hope ... but also worth being open to that hope shifting towards a new hope for a new better someone in the future. Who knows what will happen. Point is, nothing can go wrong if you keep loving yourself first... and have faith that you're on the right path, no matter what feelings come up along the way.
Big hugs x
Thanks Surfbee
What lovely feedback. I'm having a better day today than yesterday. Yesterday was hard!
I too struggle with the acceptance that it broke, how it happened and things I could do differently. Looking at my own part in all this has been a HUGE revelation. I feel I need a t-shirt now with recovering codependent on it, as it's been the linchpin of my being able to get through the last few weeks. My shift of focus has returned to me to examine my behaviours and also to look at my own self care. I have no control over his.
When you mentioned minding my own business that jumped out at me. I feel now I should have done more of that too! I do feel there's an awakening happening as a result of the pain, it was either learn from it, or numb it but thankfully so far I've chosen to learn. If I could give the gift back, as you put it, and have him instead I probably would, no point lying, but that's not what the universe had in mind.
For now self care is becoming an obsession for me, really trying to read, journal, exercise, meditate and heal some old wounds. A long slow process.
I have decided to forget about relationships for at least a year, have no interest now, had a slip last weekend that made me realise I'm nowhere near ready for one, and I'm actually relieved I've decided to do that in lieu of looking after myself and bettering that relationship. It's like the pressure has come off (therapist told me to jump back into relationships, worst advice ever, for me). I don't want another one only with myself. Feel like I owe it to my inner child to really look at how I can build myself up, care for myself, love myself and hey maybe start really enjoying life for first time, belonging to myself only.
As for hope for the future, at the moment, my instinct is saying he won't be back, but I'm trying to place my trust in the universe for whatever is for the highest good for him and me. Who knows, if he does come back recovered and stronger to a stronger me, could be great and I'd love it. If not then I'll be ok aswell.
I agree who knows what the future holds, for you too 😉