hey Glenjo! Hope you're having a slightly easier day today. I know it's up and down but just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you, and everyone here who is grieving and missing the one they love... and again I totally relate to the way you feel.
Acceptance that it broke and it's over is the hardest part...and for me, accepting that I too had a part in the breaking is probably even the hardest bit. i.e. I allowed myself to get addicted to his problem of addiction. I allowed myself to obsess over his custody battle issues.... his depression... his anxiety. I allowed myself to get wound up and frustrated by someone else's problems, when really I should have minded my own business. I'd have been far better off and wouldn't be feeling the pain I feel now had I minded my own business. Hell, I might have stepped back a year ago, and moved on by now... OR I could have stepped back a year ago and my ex might have started picking up the slack sooner, and we might have had a real chance. I will never know that. But I do know there is a great lesson in this right now.
Had you not broken up and experienced this much pain, you wouldn't have had this *awakening* that is happening to you right now. It's painful and it sucks but it is also this amazing gift too.
I kinda want to shove the gift sometimes and go back in time ! lol , but I also want to accept and love this pain... and .... and moment to moment, take little positive action steps towards the life my heart really really wants. And that is to really just learn to love myself fully... and to be strong and compassionate alone, and be strong and compassionate in my next relationship with whoever that will be.
I admit though that I believe anything is possible in the future. I'm still holding onto a little hope that maybe my ex might get into a recovery programme... and one day we might have a real chance. But I'm wise enough now to know that it would be *uncaring of myself* to chase and expect that.
This time is yours... and if you have any hope in your heart to reconcile, I think it's okay to be open to that hope ... but also worth being open to that hope shifting towards a new hope for a new better someone in the future. Who knows what will happen. Point is, nothing can go wrong if you keep loving yourself first... and have faith that you're on the right path, no matter what feelings come up along the way.
Big hugs x