Mellybug2018

Yesterday I finally blocked his number. It was the 12 year anniversary of my father’s death and my diagnosis of cancer - yes, my dad died of cancer and a few hours later my doctor called with my own cancer diagnosis. On top of that I was dealing with a lot of problems at work, and wasn’t in a great place emotionally.
When my AXBF texted his usual morning “Hope you have a great day!” I just let it go. Then came the follow up texts which I also ignored. Finally I texted back that I was having a very bad day, I didn’t want to/ was unable to text and warned that I was in a really bad mood. I guess I stupidly believed that he would be respectful of that.
He is going to see family this weekend he hasn’t seen for a while, and is nervous they are going to confront him in his drinking. He had called his brother in a drunken state right after I broke up with him and the next day called his mom sloshed on her birthday and she called him a drunk. He’s nervous and scared and “wants someone on his side” so he keeps saying he wants me to go. I keep saying no.
I’ve stated that I won’t even consider dating him until he has a minimum of 6 months sobriety and is actively in recovery, but he feels that since he won’t be drinking for the 3 days at his parents’ house that he can show me he is a good person.
Long story longer, he kept texting me that he wants me to go and all of these reasons why it will be a good idea. I finally snapped and texted back, saying that we are not dating, I’m not going and that’s final. I pointed out that I had warned him about my bad mood, and he has disrespected me yet again and that was the final straw for me. I told him I was putting my phone on Do Not Disturb and wouldn’t be responding again.
What I didn’t realize is that putting the phone on DND doesn’t stop texts from coming in, I just don’t hear the notification! He responded with a “Fine! Jesus!” Realizing my technological ignorance I just blocked his number.
Instant relief!!! No more crazy texts! No more drama! I finished out the work day and went home.
Once home I realized that I actually missed the connection. I unblocked his number for about 10 minutes, then realized that is MY addiction to this person. I blocked his number again and reached out to friends, played with my dog, and had a nice evening.
I am struggling with the feelings. I recognize them logically, but the feelings still hurt. How could I abandon someone who is so obviously sick, confused, scared and hurting? I remind myself that I had felt all of those things during our relationship as a result of his drinking - and he wasn’t there for me, so why would I feel bad about not being there for him? Also, wouldn’t that be enabling? Not allowing him to face the consequences of his drinking?
I resisted going no contact because I knew I would have to face my feelings, but I did it anyway. In spite of the pain, I also feel relief. No crazy texts, no manipulation, no anxiety. I feel like I can finally breathe.
One last note - I lost it last night and cried so hard. I realized that I had really wanted the dream of the marriage and partnership with this guy, and acknowledged that I had to let that go. It wasn’t letting go of HIM that had me so reluctant to give up - it was letting go of “the dream.” I had always wanted to have a happy marriage, and at the beginning of the relationship I thought that would finally be a possibility. I recognize now that it is not, so I have to grieve the loss of that dream (at this time).
Now it is time for my own healing. I will focus on myself, work through the emotions, and learn to fall in love with myself again.
Thanks for reading.