Originally Posted by
Sarahas 
i am mad at myself for letting all this bug me, i am mad at myself for thinking its something about me that makes him avoid me, i get mad at myself for all my negative thinking...and as soon as he resurfaces with a smile and a hi, i am swept back in....i am just angry and at this moment i am fed up.. i had to vent and get this out because i feel at times i am going crazy. .
I hear myself in you. I saw the great side of him, I so longed for that to come back. I hung in there, supporting him while he used and promised he was trying to recover. He promised so much, "don't give up, hang in there with me". We had such a nice time in the beginning and when he wasn't using. Then I was mad at myself for all the reasons you listed.
I thought the real him was the one not using. But in the end (for me) it was the mask he wore to pull me in, to hook me, to keep me hanging on for the promise of what could be. He could pull off the most amazing times, we had so much in common. Why wouldn't I stand by him? I did for a long time and it took a toll on me. I felt so crazy, so full of heartache.
An addict is an addict and the substance of choice comes first. They will say and do anything to keep you in their court. A healthy person, would not put you through those awful times or deflect their issues on you or make you feel like the crazy one. Addiction is crazy making. You are worth so much more than he leaves you with.
Its more than the good times, its about all the times.
Wishing you peace in your heart, in your mind. You deserve so much more.
tic