Thanks ... i read a lot today and keep on sober. Read stories of people who stopped in their forties or fifties loosing everything and sobriety helped them build up from scratch. My each relapse was not accepting changes and not understanding process properly. As i was so spoiled and had it all .... yes it took me couple of months to accept this golden girl s gone... but there is a hope for integrated sober wiser mature woman. So i lost it all ... some things through co dependence ... some for lack of awerness but most through alcohol... as alcohol made me ill... i could deal with work burn out ... why i had to drink ... ehhh it was easiest way and thought temporarly coping strategy. 3 years of my active binging ... sober ... lapse super healthy vicious wheel ..from 42 to 45 took toil and progressed so fast. .. So now when i reached some stage of acceptance , hope and commitment , I drink water if any silly thoughts comes . I remind myself why i quit and worst expierience and i might be broken but sober and respecting myself at least. Now i do staff on relapse prevention before relapse and 24 /7 . Today sober and read a lot here and even first time used chat . Thank you all.