Originally Posted by Goat

I woke up feeling like I've had a demon exorcised...

Let me tell y'all a story... When I was 20 I graduated from college and headed off to graduate school. I was bright-eyed and full of the future, and what's more I was a badass. I was going to the best school in the country for graduate school and I had a fantastic career ahead of me... and I *did not* drink. ever. On the way I met a girl and during the summer between college and grad school we got married...

...and then I have a big blank spot in my memory....

...and then four years later I had failed at school, gotten a divorce, and was a raging alcoholic.

I have lived under an immense weight since then. I didn't have any solid memory of what happened. I had fleeting memories... I blamed her for everything. I even blamed her for "forcing" me to become an alcoholic.

I built a fantasy picture of what happened in my mind and I convinced myself of it. I told everyone my fantasy version of events and got plenty of sympathy, but even though I had convinced myself of the story I didn't really believe it, and over time the shame over whatever it was that I had done (that I couldn't remember) and the lies I told to cover it up grew. They became the core feature of my life. I was constantly defensive, constantly fearful. I was completely afraid to make a mistake of any sort. I continued to twist reality to keep myself from having to deal with any consequences. I alienated a lot of people and kept myself in a state of constant fearful misery.

I knew I had to clear this out. I told my first sponsor I needed to delve into what happened in my early 20s. I couldn't remember it but I knew it was bad and I needed to get rid of it. He encouraged me to worry about it later. He had heard my stories and was convinced my ex wife was just a bad person. He believed my victim crap.

Yesterday Suze and I addressed it. With her holding my hand I called my ex wife on the phone. I haven't talked to her (except for one very short and bizarre phone call a decade ago) since the divorce.

And.... now I know what happened. Maybe my 20-something-year-old mind couldn't deal with it. My 43-year-old mind can. The bad things that happened weren't *nearly* as bad as I imagined they were. And yep, I completely messed up my doctorate and I can now lay that entirely at the feet of my drinking. And I no longer have any other-people-blaming fantasies about how I got started drinking.

Yesterday was a long, difficult day. I went to bed exhausted. I knew I felt different but I was too mentally tired to fully understand it.

This morning, however.... wow....

I feel like I am 20 years old again with the world in front of me. The fear is gone. The shame is gone. Heh, I don't even feel like regretting my behavior for the last 23 years. I am just free.