I know I overpost I'm sorry
A girl wrote yesterday and it reminded me of me. I last saw him June 7 so I'm 2.5 months last contact July 11 when he seemed to have wanted me back and was speaking to me. I get angry at myself I cancelled his account if I suspended it the number would be the same and I could play the game and I'm sure he would have contacted. I love him and I still do. The fact his mother said I can't stand you leave me alone. I'm a people pleaser that broke my heart.
I'm young he told me I was beautiful daily, wanted to marry me, and I could finally have my first child. All this came out the blue the ending and I'm the enemy.
Since it ended I'm on my 3rd move
Went to crisis I'm in an IOP prescribed lithium for intrusive thoughts I don't care I been on it before and judged it helped I'll be on it again.
Broke w no supports but a mom who helps but then gets angry.
I slept my whole summer away.
Lost my credit card as I'm an enabler and let him swipe whenever lost 6k credit line.
Self care showering hit or miss.
I won't lie some days I have no interest in al anon or celebrate recovery. Al anon I went right in got a sponsor and she could not for the life of her grasp I'm on meds. I changed my # on her and never went back to her al anon.
Can you do this with a strict schedule of hobbies or things might end up being hobbies and staying busy. We were only together 11 months there has to be a turning point. I often wonder am I going radio silent and succeeding in hopes he will call my mother or because I know he is no good for me. Somewhere in me I still want him back it would never be the same. The fact he said I can't get back with her my daughter is more important. I made sure he got to the daughter, and always spent money on gifts for her. Like what am I going to do to an innocent 4 year old.
This will keep me stuck out here and never get to Florida a new start. Any one feel waves of go to hell drunk, I'll do anything to put myself first, happiness waves, then I hate you come back to me. I do have the code no more book. I know it's long sure things will get better mon- Fri strict routine weekends I get stuck.
Blessings