Bill, thank you, that means so much to me. We've chatted often about you making a visit here. You know if you are physically able you are welcome anytime. I have a number of different lodging options for you, all would be free of charge. We could go to Piazza Shelley for a nice non-alcoholic aperitivo and then down to the seaside where the boats come in. One boat sells fresh, fried anchovies and squid right off the side of the boat!
Saoutchik, yours is a good suggestion and one and one I will try when the kids spend the night with their father. In these past few days I have experimented with setting my alarm for earlier than my natural waking time and just getting up and out of bed, it seems to have helped with the anxiety. I hope to someday be able to enjoy idle time, just relax, but for now staying in physical motion seems to help.
One thing I will say regarding your comment on fighting cravings is that I really do not suffer from alcohol cravings anymore. I just don't. I can go anywhere and do anything and while I occasionally have a passing thought or a mini "trigger" they are generally dealt with very easily. I go most days as a solid non-drinker, not even thinking about alcohol. My problem is these relapses that pop up. They are always due to some event I deem tragic or traumatic for me, or overly stressful in some way. I go from zero cravings to all out binge in a matter of minutes. I could even, if I stretched, handle and accept drinking 2 or 3 days once or twice a year except for the fact that these binges are always incredibly devastating to me and all those around me. In thinking about and evaluating these situations on a deeper level, it appears to be more than just a response to stress and rather an event of self-sabotage stemming from an unconscious, deep-seeded hatred of myself. I don't want to be this way. I want to love myself. I generally think I am a good person with a good heart. But the things I do to continuously harm myself are grand in scale and quite frightening. If someone asks me "do you hate yourself?" I would answer no. But I am repeatedly told by various professionals with more knowledge than me that yes, I do in fact hate myself. They claim to have come across few people with as low self esteem as me. So, I am working on that. I just want to be a good person. I know I can be with alcohol out of the picture for good.