I'm glad you posted - and please don't feel bad or defensive about honest shares.
I think you could use some help tho - I appreciate counselling and therapy are not cure alls, but they can help.
If you're feeling suicidal there are numbers to call and things to read:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ease-read.html
I hope I'm not coming across as scolding - I, like everyone here, wants to see you happy Sunshine
D