Surfbee

I just joined today and wanted to share my (very complicated and long) story in the hope that people might want to read and offer some guidance.

I've been with my boyfriend for almost two years and living together. We'd also been together for a year about ten years ago...The break up then was a lot down to me feeling insecure, having trust issues, and identifying he had an issue with alcohol.

We were in our early 20s then so at that time I was also a bit of a party animal but near the end of our relationship I got my dream job and threw myself into work. I worked all the hours under the sun and looking back I realise that work was my safe place! Work was were I felt empowered and in control... this is how I am still, ten years later.

Since our break up ten years ago, he had two daughters (the youngest is his only biological child, and the oldest isn't but he raised her as his own)

The girls are really special and I have a lovely bond with them. He's a good father and I have complete admiration for him for taking on a child that isn't his own...

However the complexities of his life make it very challenging for me on a day to day basis. For example, the mother (M) of his children was the woman he went with immediately after we had a fight ten years ago...
We'd broken up, reconciled a few days later (or so I thought) then fell out again... and he went to a party and slept with the future mother of his children... I'll bet you're wondering why I wanted to get back with this guy?

Anyway...their story goes like this:

They ended up having a toxic relationship - a chemical romance of drugs and alchohol and no real definition as to what their relationship was.

Whilst they were 'dating' , she then slept with someone else - a married man - and got pregnant. The married man (who was already expecting a baby of his own) didn't want anything to do with her.

My boyfriend (B) at that time wasn't sure if the baby was his or not...so whilst waiting for the results of a paternity test, he looked after... felt sorry for her (she made it out as though all her friends ostracised her) and B's hero complex was activated, and he started to help her with new baby. He then discovered that it wasn't his, but their messed up romance continued anyway ... but since B wasn't entirely committed to M.... M said that doctors told her it was impossible for her to have any more children due to complications from birth... chemical and mutual depression romance continued...M seduced B... then got pregnant again.
M said it was a "miracle pregnancy" and so there was no way she would abort even although B begged her to.

Ten years later...B is a great dad ...and although he'd left M years at the time she was pregnant with his child, he stepped up as a dad to both children. He moved on, met someone else and had a 4 year relationship ... that ended... and B and I reunited. It was totally out the blue.

I believed time and responsibility had changed him, matured him. And I thought I was in stronger place mentally and emotionally...

But within weeks of us getting back together, M confessed to B that she was still in love him....after all these years. B expressed to M that she must move on. In retaliation, M stopped B from seeing his children making his life miserable and driving him to drink every night.

Before getting back together, I believed he cut down on drinking and this was a huge reason why I gave us another chance... but the stress of not seeing his kids drove him right back into that place.

M knows all about his depression and struggles with booze, and is fully aware of B's issues about his own father who was an alcoholic and committed suicide when B was 18.

I believe that this drive in B to be a great dad has a lot to do with him not having his own dad... and so M uses the children to control him.

I found all of this incredibly testing as his partner ... I'm in love with a depressed alcoholic, who seemed very happy with me for the first several months... but his drinking issues and custody issues with this crazy ex began to effect me....

I didn't know how to support him well enough! My insecurities would flare up all the time... I questioned how the hell can I cope with this drama long term... for the rest of my life. And any little trigger of him meeting some other woman made me feel very scared and threatened.

It was like everything inside us, past and hidden, flared up to challenge us as a unit...! we love each other deeply but are we too weak to deal with all this?

B continues to assure me he loves me, we'll stay strong together... so I hang in there... and every few months she stops him from seeing his kids for months and months on end. There has been no normality. I think the stress ended up making me have a miscarriage (accidental pregnancy) ... the first time I ever got pregnant last year. It was terrifying but whilst pregnant I eventually felt happy and excited...though also didn't know if I could keep it. It was a traumatic time.

After miscarriage, destructive fights between us continued... so much of B's energy and focus was on his kids and custody issues with M, and less focus was on me... I felt very insecure...So much so that I decided to get a new place of my own so we could have space from each other and a feeling of 'security'... so that I'm not so dependent on him emotionally and financially.

But overall our relationship has become toxic because of this cycle of on and off. We are both very sensitive and quick to anger... he says that my lifestyle stresses him out and he can't handle it. I'm an artist with big dreams... and although he loves the end results of my work, he says he can't handle the process I go through creatively.

But he also loves the way I am.....Eventually we broke last weekend... it was over. I realised this was inevitable because it couldn't go on like that.

But yesterday we started to rekindle things ... He invited me to some street party event... he was already half-cut by the time we went out. He was drunk, loved up and 'happy' and I foolishly went along for the ride with him hoping it was a way to build bridges... But he got completely inebriated and I started to feel anxious.

We then met a girl and her friends from his workplace (and this bothered me too as I could see they get on well!) and this made my insecurities come up ... seeing a 'happy girl' in his presence and him obviously drawn to happiness... and me very unhappy about how things have been... But I tried to keep my cool and just stop thinking too much.

B knows I have these insecurities and so he also tried to make me feel reassured which I appreciated... But the whole situation just felt so testing....because here I am trying to make this work with my achoholic boyfriend, at a street party, with loud music, booze everywhere, and some new girls I've never met before ...one in particular I could see he had a spark with! Or maybe just my paranoia. BUT I tried to just not think about it and let it go. She already has a boyfriend ...so stop worrying and so I just zoned out and danced.

Then he started behaving very obnoxiously dancing wild moves on the dance floor and just holding this kind of aggressive energy .... and he started being aggressive towards some random people on the dance floor. He could see the shame in my face. In this moment I think I drove him to hate me or something .... ?

And so he eventually got very aggressive towards me ...he shouted in my face .... in front of girl from his work...he told me he's a single guy now. He was falling around the place! Then he walked away.... it was like being in some horrible dream.

And I got a phone call ... from B... saw him standing there calling me! But he just ignored me! I said you're calling me! He said he doesn't know me ... I'm thinking what the hell is going on!! He accidentally called me! Guess who he was actually calling, the girl from his work! To go and find her and hang out with them ...meanwhile telling me he's a single guy now. And so I walked away.

He then texted me, very drunkenly, saying he didn't know where I was, gave up looking for me, and 'we're obviously opposites@'.

The drink brings out all of this anger and blame towards me. I know he's really unhappy about not seeing his kids but he resents me for not being happy and supportive enough. I don't know what the hell to do.

There is a good side to him too. He can be incredibly caring and loving but when he gets angry drunk, which I seem to trigger in him ...he says the most hurtful things.

All day today we haven't spoken...luckily I have my own place...I still have some of my things at his and I need to be there for work reasons next week... so I'm trying to just brave that I might see him in a few days. Hopefully very briefly as I he'll be out at work whilst I'm there.

But today, I've no idea where he ended up last night, or if he ended up in some fight or even jail. I've no idea. I love him but clearly this is a complete mess... all I want to do is go to him.

Today I signed up to speak with a therapist for the first time next week ... as I want to be able resolve my issues ...I just feel so afraid of it being completely over with B. when I love him so much. I know I must heal too and take care of myself but I just feel all this guilt, like I drove him to unhappiness... and if I didn't throw myself so much into work, and manage my time better, maybe he'd feel less neglected and less stressed ... I just pray for him, for us both... and really hope in time he'll be in touch and try to sort himself out. I know I need to work through all of this too... he before before that he will see a counsellor but no appointment has been made yet. He also admitted he's an alcoholic.

p.s. backstory of me - I discovered in my early twenties that my mother also has an alcohol problem. My mum and dad both suffer from depression. I believe my mum's problem is related to what happened to her in childhood.

If you got to the end, thanks, any words of wisdom would be great <3