Dear darling Truthseeker,
No one here is judging you for relapsing - I have lurked around here and read enough posts to see that every person on here has fallen off the sobriety bicycle, gotten back on, hit a rough patch, tumbled off, lain on the ground bleeding, tried to get up , managed to get seated, pedaled a little bit, fell down again, and then finally hit their rhythm.
Where people are gently calling BS is on your reasons why it is too hard to put down the drink now. If your house were on fire, depression would not keep you from grabbing your kid and dad and heading out the door.
I am a woman. I don't think I've had a sober month since I was old enough to drink and I am 62 now. I've drunk my way through PMS, divorce, pre-menopause, menopause, death of parents, depression, anxiety attacks, money issues, kid issues. I can't think of one way that alcohol actually helped - I thought it did at the time, but that was my screwy thinking, not the reality.
What I will give you is that it does take a certain amount of resolve and mental energy to not drink when it is so much easier to drink when you are depressed. For me, it took a couple of episodes in the middle of the night wondering if I was having a heart attack, couple of visits to ER, couple of other health scares before I said, "This sh*&t is so not worth it!" I pray that it will not take another ER visit and scaring the bejesus out of your kids and your dad to make you say the same. You have done this before, you can ride this bicycle. But I guarantee that "waiting" for a better time to stop drinking is just a lie you're telling yourself. Your liver says "Today would be good. I could use a break." Your heart will thank you. Your stomach will feel happy, which in turn will help your brain feel happy. This fugly feeling is temporary. It's like the flu, miserable but doable. I believe you can do this. Don't believe everything that falls into your head. Good luck to you, and welcome back to the bike ride.