OCD / Mental Health Issues
I wondered if anybody else here has mental health issues, particularly OCD and how it impacts your drinking / sobriety (and vice versa)?
I have a diagnosis of OCD, a form known as 'pure OCD' which is mainly characterised by very distressing intrusive thoughts, things like hurting other people or feeling like I am evil. I had a very traumatic childhood and my psychologist thinks it probably started at a very early age (5 or so) so it is very much part of my make-up and underlies everything about me, really.
Part of my drinking is about hushing the thoughts, which is does temporarily. Sometimes it feels like it's the only way to escape them. But obviously, it also feeds them, feeding into my ideas of being a bad person, and making the intrusive thoughts come more intensely and frequently when I'm not drunk.
When I was sober and pregnant, I had a lot of really quality mental health support and for the first time really started to understand my condition and manage it properly, doing CBT and thought-challenging exercises, and I can honestly say I was at the best point I had ever been in my life.
Over the past couple of years, as alcohol slowly crept it's way back in, it has chipped away at the progress I have made and started me back on the path towards the darkness (I have been extremely unwell with some periods of the OCD). I know being sober is the absolute best thing I can do for my illness, but the temptation of staving it off temporarily battles with it. Short term vs long term, I guess. It's being caught in that horrible cycle which it feels there is no escape from.
I relapsed yesterday, badly (stayed up until 7am drinking by myself, passed out). I think when I relapse after having a sobriety attempt, I kind of go a bit nuts and drink more than ever as if I need to make up for it, I don't know. I haven't drunk today, and I have found an AA meeting nearby tomorrow, which I have not tried before but think I am going to tomorrow.
I just wanted to share, I'm not sure why. I have been overthinking a lot today. I don't know anybody else with OCD, at least not the type I have, I would find it interesting to hear anybody else's experiences too.