Hi SportPilot,
Glad you are here seeking support from this community. It sounds like you are cognizant of your shortcomings in remaining sober and are self-aware enough to not let excuses of stress and anxiety (regardless of how legitimate they are) cloud the reality: you are an alcoholic, and alcoholics drink for any reason or no reason at all.
I can appreciate that perhaps AA isn't for you. I found tremendous support in AA myself, but it took a while for me to warm up to it and to find a group that I felt comfortable with. It's fine if it's not for you, but remember that it's not AA or nothing. Whatever form it takes,
know that you need a program of recovery to stay sober.
I urge you to challenge yourself and the invisible limits you've set for yourself when it comes to recovery. For example, for years I swore off AA or any kind of therapy because that would mean admitting I was an alcoholic in front of others. I didn't even want to admit it to myself; how could I say it in a semi-public place, even if it's supposedly anonymous?! Well, I eventually got desperate enough to push through that boundary, and I'm so glad I did.
It sounds like you're teetering at the brink right now. You know you need to do something, but you also know there are things you're not willing to do. I had to chase my sobriety just as vigorously and relentlessly as I did the next drink while I was active in alcoholism, or I wouldn't stand a chance. For example, I was embarrassed as heck the first time I showed up at an AA meeting. I was also petrified of seeing someone I knew. Now I shift my thought process to this: there were plenty of times I was afraid I'd see someone I knew on the street while carrying a bottle of vodka back to my apartment, but did that stop me? Nope.
Open yourself to uncomfortable situations!!
