Originally Posted by
JADIII 
I got to 10 days and then just gave in. Not even sure that's the wording I would use but for me, here's my issue.
I go along and feel good. Running, works great, wife's happy and then for some reason I just drink. Now after a 3 day drinking fest, I sit here totally ashamed of myself and just want to die.
I understand the AV thing but how do you just say, I'm not going to drink no matter what? For me, it's almost like once I get the fact that I'm going to drink, there's nothing going to hold me back. In fact, when I'm going to the liquor store I almost feel sick that I'm going to buy booze but I still go anyway.
I realize that I don't/can't drink like a normal person but I really try to, it's just working for me.
Thanks for listening
Yup.
Yup.
AAANNDD.... YUP.
And this is what happened for me.... for years and years. It finally got bad enough that I truly WANTED to live in sobriety and build a sober life. I wasn't just "not drinking" - I was building a picture of a sober life, a better life, an engaged and meaningful life that I could look to and see as valuable....
I can't even count the number of times I've been right where you are now. Struggling with the frustration and the anguish of it. Feeling like I was "READY" to "QUIT"..... logging a few days or a few weeks.... then DECIDING to drink again.
Make no mistake - while addiction isn't a choice - that first drink.... that DECISION to drink again once we have some sober time.... THAT IS A CHOICE.
For me, the only way to keep that choice a SOBER choice was to work at it daily. To get up each day and CHOOSE a sober day. CHOOSE that no matter what, that day, I would be SOBER.
Then I'd ACT in support of that choice. I'd go to a meeting. I'd post on SR. I'd read my Big Book. I'd go to therapy. I'd go to the gym. I'd have a day of ACTION planned - sober action - so that empty down time didn't tempt me to the liquor store. It was hard, daily, dedicated work and it was CHOOSING over and over again....
It got easier, but the first year was hard.
The second year still took action but the actions got easier.
By the third year I'd unpacked a lot of deep self-work and sobriety was an easy choice even as living life had its challenges.....
Now into year 5, the CHOOSING still happens. Sometimes there's a random thought about alcohol or drinking and I smile at myself and say "that's not MY choice..... MY choice is sobriety".
And I still act. I come here. I occasionally go to meetings. I write about sobriety. I share my sobriety. I respond to thoughts of drinking by acting in sobriety. I give thanks for my sobriety.....
It's a choice we make every day. And every day in a world filled with booze and drugs and challenges - we will be called upon again and again with which choice we will make.
Arm yourself to make the sober choice.... then ACT in support of it. One day at a time.
It will get easier, better and awesome.
