Hi again
So.. I went to London. Had a great sober week. Then I came home and fell of the wagon almost right away. Ive felt embarrassed and depressed and keep asking myself how I can do this to myself.. I was on a good run there for a while.
My drinking do not get better. It gets worse. I black out and seldom remember a full night.
My anxiety is bad. My dark thoughts and hopelessness is very much there and the only thing that seem to lift my mood is alcohol. That will be better in a few days. At least my anxiety. The dark thoughts depression symptoms are usually prevalent.
At the same time I had no desire to drink when I was in London. I had some sober time under my belt and felt good the whole trip. My friend and I had a blast. So much to see, so much to do so I think I can thrive in the right environment with the right people around.
I think that when Im home, I substitute alcohol for people and experiences alot. Kinda like what Johann Hari is talking about in his ted talk video.
I have friends and need to spend less time alone, but alcohol is so ingrained in most of my friends lifestyle and its not really a social thing the way I drink.
Whats the point if you can't remember half the night. Other than to get completely numb.
Ive woke up with pictures on my phone after a night out. Pics I don't remember taking. And when I look at myself in the photos. It look like the light is on but nobody is home. Its scary.
Im sorry for not doing what I set out to do, keeping pretty much daily updates. You guys are the only ones who can possibly understand what im talking about. Going public with my issues is not a possible. At the same time. I know a lot of people know I drink to much. I kinda feel like I have a reputation now like the one who always gets most intoxicated at parties even though I can hold my alcohol pretty "well" ( I don't throw up make a scene and can carry a conversation kinda) But after midnight I usually operate within a 2 min span of conciseness at the most. For a long time I knew I drank to much but thought I was kinda normal compared to my circle. Im pretty sure im worse. I sometimes drink at parties but most of the time I've made a habit of drinking alone since I don't want to embarrass myself and usually prefer listening to music or checking out youtube anyway while drunk. Im on day two again and I apologize to myself, but also too you guys for having to reading this after supporting me. I will post more in the coming days though. I felt so embarrassed so I reached out to Chloe to tell her about what was going on. I wasn't planning on writing anything today but thanks to Chloe,
I found the courage to start writing again and I think writing is important for me if I want to stay sober. Im pretty sure something bad will happen if I don't stop drinking for good. Im currently on day 2 again.. If you read all the way through my messy post. thank you.
T