Hello
This is my first time on this forum, or anything like this forum. I have been struggling lately. Alcohol has been a problem for me since turning 21. I don't really remember being overly drawn to it before I was 21, other than shortly after turning 18 I dated an Alcoholic, and I was too young to realize how big of a problem it was for him. I began drinking more at the beginning of that relationship because it was all he wanted to do, but I quickly realized I needed to stop. I would drink casually at parties with my friends after that but nothing crazy until my 21st birthday. I have struggled with depression, anxiety, and self esteem problems my whole life, and regrettably discovered (at first) that alcohol "helped" my anxiety (which I know now isn't true but it was a good feeling for me in the beginning) - and as I had to drink more and more to get to that happy feeling, I discovered that drinking numbed out everything and I didn't have to deal with anything if I didn't want to. I began drinking heavily every night after work to relieve stress and have fun after a busy shift, and then it was every night, whether I worked or not. It started out with a few shots a night and turned into as many shots as I could afford that day. Alcohol has caused problems in my work life, my relationship with my family, boyfriends, friends... I've been in trouble with the law - all these negative things. Every time I drink I go into a "shame spiral" where I feel like crap (literally - get so hungover I am unable to function the next day) and mentally beat myself up and hate myself more and more. Last summer I caused a car accident that I can't even remember. I thank God every day that no one was hurt. I got a DUI, and went through the outpatient treatment required. I thought I'd hate it at first because I rarely do anything social not under the influence, but I did find it more helpful than not. I continued to drink though. Maybe once a week. - Now I try to keep myself busy and have even gone up to two/three weeks without going out to the bar, but my addicted brain always eventually finds an excuse. Even though I have been successfully spacing out my drinking, I have been completely unable to stop once I start. The last two times I completely blacked out. This last time for hours. I'm sick of making mistakes, and I'm sick of hating myself more and more every time I go out. My binging is out of control and I've never once said to myself "Okay, I need to stop" - it's usually "Okay, how can I get by, do better, but still drink once in a while" and I need to stop making excuses for myself and just realize it's not something I can even handle doing once in a while. I have problems with face to face interactions, I enjoyed my one on one counseling more than I did the meetings. I'm hoping hanging out on here will be helpful to me. I'm just at a complete loss of what to do, and I hate that it's so hard to change and let go of something I KNOW IS ONLY BAD FOR ME. I've used it as a crutch for so long... it's almost like losing my best friend, but worst enemy at the same time and I don't know what to do.