Truthseeker11

You know where I was 9 days ago. Drinking a fifth of hard liquor and two boxes of wine. Landed in the ER. Drank for twenty years quite heavily, only stopped when pregnant. In the weeks preceding my ER visit, it had gotten really bad. I was waking up and pouring a drink upon waking. I was drinking in parking lots to be able to go grocery shopping without having a panic attack (that’s my job right now, grocery shopping for people). All I wanted was to NOT ever be sober. I felt I couldn’t enjoy anything in life sober. Sober to me meant dead inside. I just couldn’t conceive that I had that backwards.

Well here I am on day 8 and I can’t explain how I made it and not only have I made it, not struggling the way I thought I was. I’m angry. My anger and defiance is driving my will to stop this crazy life I chose for myself for really half my adult life. I’ve become a warrior. That’s the best way to describe it. Not just fighting against alcohol but against everything I’ve put up with in my life. Being treated poorly by men, allowing myself to believe I am unloveable and unworthy. Being afraid to be assertive in the right ways and just getting defensive and hurt. That woman. She’s dying. Something changed in me. I’m finally finding my authentic self and that was NEVER going to be possible with alcohol in my life. It’s only been 8 days but I feel strong. I’m ready to work this weekend, do my job without stressing, stress has been a huge part of my drinking. I’m ready to choose my battles and not sweat the small stuff. I’m ready to stand up for myself and do the right thing and be proud of who I am regardless of how others may treat me. It’s not just about quitting the alcohol. It’s about saying enough is enough about the way you’ve been living, feeling about yourself and allowing others to treat you. It’s about learning to be kind to yourself. Putting yourself first. If you do that, your loved ones benefit.

Bottom line, I’ve had enough and I finally got mad and strong. No more weak me finding endless excuses to escape my problems. If I drank 5 shots now, physically and emotionally yes I’d feel good. Really good. I’m honest with myself. I’m also honest that I’d like to do that every day. But there is a HIGH price to pay for that. I’m changing my mindset to that this is not even an option. I’m not free anymore to just swing by the liquor store and indulge my pain. Who says? I do. I’m done. All I have to do is think about all the people I know who died in their 40s, I am in my 40s. Some from liver failure from alcohol, some from cancer, why would I continue to choose to kill myself? And I know that 5 shots wouldn’t be enough. Something particularly stressful would happen that would call for ten shots. Then the anxiety happens, then the need for more because I’m anxious and I now “need” more to function. To do my job. To be a better mother. To cope with this person in my life, etc etc. All I need to do is look at my two ex boyfriends who are very much killing themselves far faster than I was with the booze. I care about them both but I must detach from them. It’s too hard watching them. There is little hope for them, as the prospect of introspection and change is too much. I can’t watch them killing them selves any longer, not to mention how they were never there for me.

Nothing good has EVER come out of drinking for me, but plenty bad has. And at some point our bodies can’t take it anymore. I have precious little left to lose in my life not even due to alcohol, I refuse to lose what little I have left to it. Thanks again for all of you here. You’ve helped me a great deal and I know you will continue to, this is just the beginning for me and I am realistic about setbacks. If it happens I won’t beat myself up. I’ll know where to go. But today right now setbacks are not an option.